We need some Humor!!!

[sandyman]

New Words

I can't remember if these have been posted before

TESTICULATING
 
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
 
BLAMESTORMING
 
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
 
SEAGULL MANAGER
 
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
 
ASSMOSIS
 
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
 
SALMON DAY
 
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
 
CUBE FARM
 
An office filled with cubicles
 
PRAIRIE DOGGING
 
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
 
MOUSE POTATO.
 
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
 
SITCOMs.
 
 Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or starts a "home business".
 
STRESS PUPPY.

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
 
XEROX SUBSIDY.
 
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
 
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
 
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
 
ADMINISPHERE.
 
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.
 
404.
 
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
 
OHNOSECOND
 
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
 
WOOFies.
 
Well Off Older Folk.
 
CROP DUSTING
 
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING

Sandy

[Gregg]

QUOTE(sandyman @ Nov 5 2007, 12:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

New Words

I can't remember if these have been posted before

That's ok, maybe Jim will understand a few of them this time.

[krissel]

http://ruseroius.blogspot.com/2007/06/10-groaners.html

[RHPConsult]

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men.

It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said, "What?"

[kcourt]

Thought some of us oldsters might enjoy the following memories of the “good old days”…  

   I'm older than dirt.  How about you??


Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. Also, most of our moms stayed at home while our dads worked.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was in college. It was, of course, black and white, and a screen about 7" wide.

Our family only had one car until I was in high school. When my sister and I went off to college, our dad bought us a second hand Dodge.  We had to shift gears and was hard to drive but we did not complain. Most of our friends had to take the bus. I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which they could keep 2 cents. They had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, they had to collect the 42 cents from their customers. Their favorite customers were the ones who gave them 50 cents and told them to keep the change. Their least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.


MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.  


How many of these do you remember?

 Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
 Ignition switches on the dashboard.
 Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
 Real ice boxes. (my grandmothers' was made of real wood, and they delivered a big 50 pound ice cube each morning.)
 Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
 Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
 Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.


 OLDER THAN DIRT QUIZ: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.
 1. Blackjack chewing gum
 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
 3. Candy cigarettes
 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
 5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
 7. Party lines
 8. Newsreels before the movie
 9. P.F. Flyers
 10. Butch wax
 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
 12. Peashooters
 13. Howdy Doody
 14. 45 RPM records
 15. S&H Green Stamps
 16. Hi-fi's
 17. Metal ice trays with lever
 18. Mimeograph paper
 19. Blue flashbulb
 20. Packards (my mom’s favorite car)
 21. Roller skate keys
 22. Cork popguns
 23. Drive-ins
 24. Studebakers
 25. Wash tub wringers
 26. Box cameras

 If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
 If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
 If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
 If you remembered 16-26 = You're older than dirt!

 I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.  

Kathy  

[RHPConsult]

   

Thanks, Kathy. VERY good! Wonderful, in fact.

A few misteakes or oversights or additions.

• The Daily Pantagraph (Bloomington-Normal, Illinois) was 25¢ a week. My triumph as a "carrier-salesman" was to persuade more of my subscribers (than any other boy) to PIA, pay in advance @ $1 a month. I made about $5 a week as I recall. which was about 20 times the allowance I was getting before entering the workforce!  
• The 45 rpm disks with the BIG hole were "hi tech", replacing the 78 rpm shellac records . . . that we played on a turntable with a sharpened cactus spine (I am NOT making this up!) to protect the tracks . . . or something
• As I recall, our 37 Dodge coupe had a stick shift about 5 ft long!!!!
• In the summer, if you were lucky and enterprising, when the "Ice Wagon" stopped in front of your house, you could scoop-up a few slivers of ice from its wooden floor left when the Iceman had chipped one of those 50 lb blocks from the "inventory" he was carrying around town. "Bacteria, from the floor? What bacteria?" It was summer and the ice was the coolest thing around. And, of course, the horse "knew the route", so when the iceman hoisted the block onto the leather protecting his shoulder, the horse would walk ahead to await him at the next house.
• The first "turn-signal" I ever saw was on my Aunt Virginia's '38 Buick coupe (which she called her "machine') . . . a small 2-position switch,  mounted on a little box protruding from the left side of the steering column. (Aunt Virginia was, of course, married to a lawyer!

PS: I saw a pristine Studebaker AND a Hudson cruising down the El Camino Real the other day

[Xairbusdriver]

And there were those funny looking inserts that made the 45's "backwards-compatible" with some record players that didn't come with bigger spindles but did have a speed selector! Always been an "accessory after-market" in 'technology', I guess!

Now, I'm sure there is a place on the Internet that will explain the reason that those three common rotation speeds existed...so here's an interesting one:

<Angular Speeds and such...>

[Texas Mac Man]

BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[dolphin]

~The Wal-Mart Cat~
 
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to WALMART!
 
Why WALMART???
 
 
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

[Gregg]

"BEST T-SHIRTS OF THE SUMMER"

1) (AROUND A PICTURE OF DANDELIONS) I FOUGHT THE LAWN AND THE LAWN WON
2) SO FEW MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
3) I SUFFER OCCASIONAL DELUSIONS OF ADEQUACY
4) GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS
5) IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING
6) AT MY AGE, I'VE SEEN IT ALL, DONE IT ALL, HEARD IT ALL ... I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER IT ALL
7) MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS
I JUST DO WHAT THE VOICES INSIDE MY HEAD TELL ME TO DO
9) (WORN BY A PREGNANT WOMAN) A MAN DID THIS TO ME, OPRAH
10) IF IT'S CALLED TOURIST SEASON, WHY CAN'T WE HUNT THEM?
11) SENIOR CITIZEN: GIVE ME MY DAMN DISCOUNT
12) PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG
13) NO, IT DOESN'T HURT (ON A "WELL-TATTOOED GENTLEMAN")
14) (ON THE BACK OF A PASSING MOTORCYCLIST) IF YOU CAN READ THIS, MY WIFE FELL OFF
15) I USED TO BE SCHIZOPHRENIC, BUT WE'RE OK NOW
16) (OVER THE OUTLINE OF THE STATE OF MINNESOTA) MY GOVERNOR CAN BEAT UP YOUR GOVERNOR
17) VENI, VEDI, VISA: I CAME. I SAW. I DID A LITTLE SHOPPING.
18) WHAT IF THE HOKEY POKEY IS REALLY WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT
19) I DIDN'T CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN
20) (ON THE FRONT) YALE IS JUST ONE BIG PARTY (ON THE BACK) WITH A $25,000 COVER CHARGE
21) COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
22) LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR ... WILL THINK FOR MONEY
24) IRS -- BE AUDIT YOU CAN BE
25) GRAVITY ... IT'S NOT JUST A GOOD IDEA. IT'S THE LAW.
26) IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
27) WANTED: MEANINGFUL OVERNIGHT RELATIONSHIP
28) THE OLD PRO ... OFTEN WRONG ... NEVER IN DOUBT
29) IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, SKYDIVING ISN'T FOR YOU
30) OLD AGE COMES AT A BAD TIME
31) IN AMERICA, ANYONE CAN BE PRESIDENT. THAT'S ONE OF THE RISKS YOU TAKE.
32) FIRST THINGS FIRST, BUT NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER.
33) THIS RADIO IS PERFECTLY IN TUNE DO NOT ADJUST THE KNOBS.
(34)MY WIFE SAYS I DON'T LISTEN TO HER -- AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I THINK SHE SAYS
(35)IF I COULD REMEMBER YOUR NAME, I'D ASK YOU WHERE I LEFT MY KEYS
(36)TAXATION WITH REPRESENTATION ISN'T SO HOT, EITHER
(37)THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF PEOPLE -- THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T
(38)"I'M NOT 30. I'M $ 29.95 PLUS TAX"
(39) BAD SPELLERS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
(40) ON A VERY OBESE LADY: “I BEAT ANOREXIA”
(41) IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY PEACHES, DON'T SHAKE MY TREE!
(42)WIFE'S T-SHIRT: "I ONLY SLEEP WITH THE BEST" HUSBAND’S T-SHIRT: "THE BEST"
(43) I AM A BOMB TECHNICIAN. IF YOU SEE ME RUNNING TRY TO KEEP UP.
(44) RETIRED, BUT I STILL WORK PART TIME BEING A PAIN IN THE...    

[Xairbusdriver]

Still kick myself for not buying a T-shirt I saw on the pier in Seattle many years ago, never seen it since, of course.

The display was very simple: one arrow pointing right with some text saying, "Starboard", another arrow pointing left, it's text simply "Port".

The humorous part is that the text is upside down, it was printed for the wearer to be able to read it!

[Highmac]

QUOTE(Gregg @ Nov 11 2007, 01:25 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

"BEST T-SHIRTS OF THE SUMMER"
(43) I AM A BOMB TECHNICIAN. IF YOU SEE ME RUNNING TRY TO KEEP UP.

When we flew to LA in May 2001, we were talking to a dog handler at Heathrow and asked if his dog was on the lookout for drugs. "No", he said, "explosives. If you see us running you want to be in front...."
Wonder if HE runs a T-shirt shop now....

Jim: Don't they still have shops over there that make T-shorts to order... with your "own" design

[RHPConsult]

QUOTE

Jim: Don't they still have shops over there that make T-shorts to order... with your "own" design wink.gif

That's right, Neil. One example is . . . TeeEss' "own", with Krissel's art . . . @ Cafe Press
 

[Johanbgoot]

Abbott and Costello

     You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too
old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of
us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

      If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

      COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

      ABBOTT:  Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
      COSTELLO:  Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking  about buying a computer.
      ABBOTT:  Mac?
      COSTELLO:  No, the name's Lou.
      ABBOTT:  Your computer?
      COSTELLO:  I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
      ABBOTT:  Mac?
      COSTELLO:  I told you, my name's Lou.
      ABBOTT:  What about Windows?
      COSTELLO:  Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?
      ABBOTT:  Do you want a computer with Windows?
      COSTELLO:  I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
      ABBOTT:  Wallpaper.
      COSTELLO:  Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.
      ABBOTT:  Software for Windows?
      COSTELLO:  No.  On the computer!  I need something I can use to
write  proposals, track expenses and run my business.  What do you have?
      ABBOTT:  Office.
      COSTELLO:  Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything?
      ABBOTT:  I just did.
      COSTELLO:  You just did what?
      ABBOTT:  Recommend something.
      COSTELLO:  You recommended something?
      ABBOTT:  Yes.
      COSTELLO:  For my office?
      ABBOTT:  Yes.
      COSTELLO:  OK, what did you recommend for my office?
      ABBOTT:  Office.
      COSTELLO:  Yes, for my office!
      ABBOTT:  I recommend Office with Windows.
      COSTELLO:  I already have an office with windows!  OK, let's just
say  I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.  What do I
need?
      ABBOTT:  Word.
      COSTELLO:  What word?
      ABBOTT:  Word in Office.
      COSTELLO:  The only word in office is office.
      ABBOTT:  The Word in Office for Windows.
      COSTELLO:  Which word in office for windows?
      ABBOTT:  The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
      COSTELLO:  I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers.   What about financial bookkeeping?  You have
anything I can track  my money with?
      ABBOTT:  Money.
      COSTELLO:  That's right.  What do you have?
      ABBOTT:  Money.
      COSTELLO:  I need money to track my money?
      ABBOTT:  It comes bundled with your computer.
      COSTELLO:  What's bundled with my computer?
      ABBOTT:  Money.
      COSTELLO:  Money comes with my computer?
      ABBOTT:  Yes.  No extra charge.
      COSTELLO:  I get a bundle of money with my computer?  How much?
      ABBOTT:  One copy.
      COSTELLO:  Isn't it illegal to copy money?
      ABBOTT:  Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
      COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
      ABBOTT:  Why not?  THEY OWN IT!



     (A few days later)
     ABBOTT:  Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?
      COSTELLO:  How do I turn my computer off?
      ABBOTT:  Click on "START".............

[RHPConsult]

Wonderful . . . especially those last lines, an illuminating tribute to Windoze authors, supervisors, managers and executive!