We need some Humor!!!

[Xairbusdriver]

Just when you ask for fewer images...

[attachment=831:displann...81093750.jpg]

[Texas Mac Man]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the
missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some
time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck,
slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower
stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then
suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

I found the remote," he mumbled.

[dolphin]

Quiz for Smart People

 

 

This is a test for Smart People.....I have determined that you
qualify.



The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question! Do Not Scroll before answering each question first

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?






















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.




2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 

 

 










Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?







Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


















3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one.
Which animal does not attend?


















Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.




Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


















4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?



















Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tests whether you
learn quickly from your mistakes.




According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting
says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.


Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader???  




 

 






_____________________________________________________________

[krissel]

What some People ACTUALLY Put On Their Resumes
Submitted by Dmitri Davydov on Mon, 2007-10-29 11:54.
Posted in: Odd Numbers

None of this is made up. People really did put this stupid crazy stuff on their resumes or job applications.

1. I am very detail-oreinted.

2. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

3. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

4. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

5. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

6. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

7. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

8. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

9. My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.

10. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

11. Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

12. Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.

13. Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

14. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

15. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

16. Previous experience: Self-employed-a fiasco.

17. Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

18. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

19. I am a rabid typist.

20. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

21. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

22. Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

23. I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

24. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

25. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

26. Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

27. Special skills: Thyping.

28. My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.

29. I can play well with others.

30. Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.

31. Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.

32. Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.

33. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.

34. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

35. I have happily been a “kept man” for the past 10 years.

36. Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.

37. I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.

38. Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.

39. While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.

40. My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.

41. Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.

42. Referees available upon request.

43. Previous rank: Senior instigator.

44. I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.

45. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.

46. Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.

47. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.

48. Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.

49. Strengths: Impersonal skills.

50. Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.

51. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.

52. Vocational plans: Sea World.

[Xairbusdriver]

<we herd canopnur>

[attachment=841:SAT_question.jpg]

[Highmac]

Can't imagine any cat wanting to wear sequins....  

[bil207]

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb???

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeaze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeaze, please please please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or, "We don't need no stinkin' light bulb."

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Doberman Pinscher - While you change the lightbulb, I'll just curl up in your spot on the couch.

[dolphin]

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food.'  So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.  At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his.  It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

[bil207]

A Doberman & and Chihuahua


Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the
other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the
Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with us. "The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do"

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair
of
dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said,
"Sorry
lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're all using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the
heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again
the bouncer said, "Sorry lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a
Chihuahua?"

[Xairbusdriver]

Icantzgetenuffoftheez.
[attachment=857:Language_Explained.jpg]
[attachment=858:Buy_Toy_play_w_box.jpg]

The last image couldn't be placed with the "Manage" button. Oh well...

[Xairbusdriver]

From my own (!) cats portfolio...

Who's desk is this, anyway?![attachment=860:Just_Enu...Keyboard.jpg]

Who had the audacity to use that flash camera?!!! [attachment=861:how_U_th...sh_thing.jpg]

[kimmer]

QUOTE(bil207 @ Feb 14 2008, 03:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

ROFLOL!!!!!!!!

QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Feb 25 2008, 03:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

From my own (!) cats portfolio...

Who's desk is this, anyway?!

HAHAHA! I have pics like that of Sneakers and one of our former cats.

[Xairbusdriver]

Origin of the Human Race
 
A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question.
The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys."
The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side."

[dolphin]

A very self-important college freshman was attending a recent football game. He took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and....," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little pimplehead, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was deafening.
I just love senior citizens!!!

[Texas Mac Man]

A  dog is truly a man's best friend.  

If you don't believe it, just try this  experiment.  
 
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of  the car for an hour.  
 
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?