We need some Humor!!!

[sandyman]

Some may think it in bad taste. I hope not.

This is for those of you who may have considered buying a Macbook Air. Now you can also have the Air Poo to go with it

Sandy

[sandyman]

Engineer v Manager

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


Sandy

[sandyman]

Read it to the end.  it's not Anti-Colonial  at all.  Just Brit humour (humor)

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Sandy

[Texas Mac Man]

25 THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME   (thanks Mom ! )
 
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
 
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
 
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
 
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
 
10. My mother t aught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
 
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
 
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
 
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
 
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
 
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
 
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

[kimmer]

Three old men were at the doctor for a memory test. The  doctor said to the first old man, "What is one plus one?"
 
 "Two hundred  seventy-four," he replied.
 
 The doctor said to the second man, "It's your  turn. What is one plus one?"
 
 "Tuesday," replied the second man.  
 
 The doctor said to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's one plus  one?"
 
 "Two," said the third man.
 
 "That's great!" said the  doctor. "How did you get that?"
 
 "Simple," said the third man. "I  subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[dolphin]

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.  

 

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.  


A penny saved is a government oversight.


The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten  to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'


If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?'  

   
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra .

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces.  Then you forget to pull up your zipper.  It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it's called golf.

[krissel]

QUOTE(dolphin @ Mar 14 2008, 05:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Works everytime!  

[Xairbusdriver]

<Cat Taxi?>
<What wuz dat noyz?>
<Burf Weak fyv>

[Texas Mac Man]

Dear Tech Support,  

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


-------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe', try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[Highmac]

Job interview didn't go well. “If you could have a conversation with someone – living or dead – who would it be?” asked the MD.
“That's easy,” I stammered, “the living one.”

[RHPConsult]

During a taxi, the crew of a US Air flight departing to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between a C and a D, but get it right."

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[sandyman]

LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.


Sandy

[Gregg]

QUOTE(sandyman @ Mar 22 2008, 01:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Sandy

I like the ones that don't have to resort to trickery. Real words, real syntax...

[Highmac]

Neat way to spoil a telemarketer's day - on YouTube. Probably best described as 'mild adult' but VERY funny.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZbGGuxNkkQ

[Xairbusdriver]

Surprised our flickr fans haven't posted this shot of <Mr. Ballmer 'using' a Mac!>

More?
<AND using Keynote?!>
<Just for laughs!>