Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468019 times)

Offline krissel

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« Reply #345 on: May 05, 2008, 05:12:25 AM »
Do It Yourselfers - BEWARE OF THIS SCAM!

For those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Ladies, you may want to forward this on to men you know. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be looking out for this scam.


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Offline Gregg

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« Reply #346 on: May 05, 2008, 07:10:56 AM »
laugh.gif Shucks! The Home Depot closest to our house is closing. Seriously.
Ya gotta applaud those bunnies for sacrificing their hearing just so some guy in Cupertino can have better TV reception.

Offline RNKIII

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« Reply #347 on: May 05, 2008, 07:13:52 AM »
laughhard.gif  I only got 'scammed' twice this weekend... the line of guys in their cars was so long that I couldn't get through any more!! whistling.gif

Bob K.   rnkiii
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Offline Jack W

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« Reply #348 on: May 05, 2008, 10:31:24 AM »
QUOTE(krissel @ May 5 2008, 06:12 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Do It Yourselfers - BEWARE OF THIS SCAM!

For those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Ladies, you may want to forward this on to men you know. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be looking out for this scam.


This guy's either a slow learner or a sex fiend!

Did he have stock in a wallet company???

- Jack
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #349 on: May 05, 2008, 02:18:35 PM »
The most difficult part is creating a new reason to travel to Lowe's or Home Depot! rofl.gif

"How many hammers do you need, honey?"
« Last Edit: May 05, 2008, 02:19:21 PM by Xairbusdriver »
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And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Gregg

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« Reply #350 on: May 07, 2008, 07:19:15 AM »
I didn't tell my wife about the scam at Home Depot. Didn't wan't to alarm her. devilishgrin.gif

I've been there six times in the last three days, trying to be the bait to help catch these evil women. :uhhuh:

Butt, I haven't seen any.

I took my credit cards and driver's license out of my wallet. That way no one could prove I was, er, I mean, that way no one could steal my identity. You can't be too careful with these women on the prowl.

I hope they find me, er, we catch them before the store closes. Butt, they might be avoiding that store because it's getting out of the business, I mean going out of business.

Well, gotta run. Butt, I be sure to keep everyone abreast of the situation. salute.gif

Edit:
This just in: Department Stores located near Home Depot and Loews home centers have reported a run on leather wallets. The price of leather worldwide has increased by more than 50% since the same time last month!
« Last Edit: May 08, 2008, 07:11:47 AM by Gregg »
Ya gotta applaud those bunnies for sacrificing their hearing just so some guy in Cupertino can have better TV reception.

Offline sandyman

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« Reply #351 on: May 20, 2008, 03:46:42 PM »
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments about the toilet seat - use the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.


Sandy

Offline RHPConsult

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« Reply #352 on: May 21, 2008, 10:03:15 AM »
This one especially for Thomas England . . .

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and he took along a few pictures to show to them. Thehostess looked at the photos and commented, "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

The photographer didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #353 on: May 21, 2008, 11:23:50 AM »
A couple of my favourite limericks...
There was a young man from Japan
Whose verses never would scan
When asked why this was
He said "It's becauseI like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."
AND
There was a young man from Peru
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Whose verses all stopped at line two.


This one works best when spoken - it's great to watch people either get it immediately or ponder awhile, waiting for the next line because they haven't been listening. Then you can see the light come on over their heads wink.gif
« Last Edit: May 21, 2008, 11:26:24 AM by Highmac »
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Offline Highmac

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« Reply #354 on: May 21, 2008, 11:31:43 AM »
A canoeist, fed up with having cold feet, decided to put a little paraffin stove in the front of his vessel. Unfortunately it started a fire and he had to be rescued.

Which just goes to show you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Offline dolphin

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« Reply #355 on: May 24, 2008, 07:22:57 AM »
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could g ive him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.  He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

 

 

 

 




The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly

"If it aint broke; don't fixit"
Roy

Offline Gregg

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« Reply #356 on: June 03, 2008, 03:13:52 PM »
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where
Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid *** against the railing, killing him instantly.
So, this probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of your friends who send you those heart-warming stories.
Ya gotta applaud those bunnies for sacrificing their hearing just so some guy in Cupertino can have better TV reception.

Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #357 on: June 04, 2008, 07:24:24 PM »
A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.

Cheers, Tom

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Offline Highmac

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« Reply #358 on: June 05, 2008, 01:54:05 AM »
I'd never realised baseball and cricket were so similar....
QUOTE
A simple explanation of cricket....
There are two sides, one out in the field the other one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.


According to the experts at work, in cricket you can have a "winning draw" and a "losing draw"  Thinking.gif  wallbash.gif

However, don't ask me for any other explanations. My eyes glaze over when the game is mentioned. smile.gif

My final question..... Who's on next? biggrin.gif

Edit to add: Wikipedia "Although intended to be comical and being very difficult to understand, this is an entirely correct explanation of Cricket."
« Last Edit: June 05, 2008, 01:58:25 AM by Highmac »
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Offline sandyman

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« Reply #359 on: June 05, 2008, 06:58:21 AM »
Being British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas Cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E; in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth...

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.