We need some Humor!!!

[Xairbusdriver]

Although most of you may think this should be on the Tech side, I think it's so sad that it's funny!

Need more proof about who it is that really innovates? When you have somebody else doing your R & D and they come up with a winner, the logical thing to do is to copy them! See, I could be a CEO, too!

<Radio Shack thinking of modeling its stores like Apples!>

Do they have no one on the board who can tell the officers that it's not the building that people come to buy?! A more delightful store will simply make the RS junque look even more shabby! Can you imagine any employee there ever being called a "Genius?"

[Gregg]

QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 19 2008, 08:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A more delightful store will simply make the RS junque look even more shabby! Can you imagine any employee there ever being called a "Genius?"

Yes, I can. My favorite Radio Shack has Mike. Every RS should have a Mike. Mike knows his stuff. Now, if you're talking Best Buy, that's a whole 'nother story.

[Texas Mac Man]

Thank You All Very Much

 
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

 

 I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

 

 I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

 

 Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

 

 I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

 

 I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

 

 I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

 

 Eating a Little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

 

 I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

 

 I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

 Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

 

 I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

 

 I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

 I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

 

 I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

 

 I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

 Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

 Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

 I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

 

 I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

 

 I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

 

 I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

 

 I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

 I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

 

 I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

 

 I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

 

 I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe .

 

 Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

 

 And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

 

 I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

 

 I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

 

 If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

 

 Have a wonderful day....

 

 Oh, by the way.....

 

 A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

 

 Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

[krissel]

QUOTE

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

What's a pay phone?  

[Highmac]

Thanks Tom - I'm e-mailing that to my friends....

[Gregg]

QUOTE(Texas Mac Man @ Jul 20 2008, 09:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Ha! I had my hand on my mouse until I got to the first line quoted above. I was using the scroll wheel. As soon as I could see that I had come to the end (all the triple spacing!), the hand came off.

[Texas Mac Man]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother- In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

(Maybe this should have been posted in the Tech forum)

[krissel]

[Highmac]

Reminds me of this, which turned up on TV here recently:

QUOTE

Scientists have found a food which reduces a woman's physical desire by 95 per cent.... it's called wedding cake

[Gregg]

[Xairbusdriver]

If you're a Font Fanatic, you'll enjoy this video! But you'll have to listen closely!

<collegehumor.com>

[jwboyd]

SINCE THE CUBS LAST WON THE WORLD SERIES...
-- Radio was invented. Fans got to hear the Cubs lose.
-- Television was invented. Fans got to see the Cubs lose.
-- Baseball added fourteen new teams. Fans got to see the Cubs lose to more teams.
-- Halley's Comet passed Earth ... twice.
-- The NBA, NHL, and NFL were formed, and Chicago won the championship at least once in each of those sports.
-- Man landed on the moon. No truth to the rumor they found several home run balls given up by Cubs pitchers.
-- Sixteen U.S. Presidents were elected, some of them more than once. None were Cubs fans.
-- There were eleven amendments added to the U.S. Constitution. None of them helped the Cubs.
-- Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown. Several thanked Cubs pitchers.
-- Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added to the United States, giving Cubs fans more places to watch their team lose.
-- The Titanic was built, sailed, sunk, found, and turned into a smashingly successful motion picture. This gave Cubs fans the hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.

[Gregg]

QUOTE(jwboyd @ Jul 29 2008, 08:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

SINCE THE CUBS LAST WON THE WORLD SERIES...

-- Sixteen U.S. Presidents were elected, some of them more than once. None were Cubs fans.

Well, Reagan was born in Illinois, and lived within "earshot" (via that radio they invented) of Chicago. He even called games on the radio. I suspect he was a Cub fan, as the Sox were embroiled in a scandal about that time.

Having said that...

This is the year!!!

Living in Milwaukee, I get Cubs and Brewers on radio and TV. Last year's division race was just as exciting as it's been lately. Cubs fans have invaded Milwaukee once again this week. Lots of $$$ being spent here, but most importantly...

Cubs Win! Cubs Win!

[Gregg]

The last time I heard these, I fell off my avatar.

And oh by the way...

Cubs Win! Cubs Win!

[krissel]

QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 29 2008, 06:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If you're a Font Fanatic, you'll enjoy this video! But you'll have to listen closely!

<collegehumor.com>

Well done!