We need some Humor!!!

[sandyman]

This guy had a really "Crappy" Day

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

Sandy

PS There are bound to be some "Smart Ass" replies so don't be shy

[jwboyd]

Good story! Definitely humorous. Sadly, untrue.

But who said humor has to be true??

http://www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.asp

[sandyman]

Found on Stumbleupon

Idiot Sighting: The hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large enough" motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "No, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

Idiot Sighting: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

Idiot Sighting: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City!

(Editor's comment: anyone who thinks that they have "chefs" working at Taco Bells is -- yep -- an idiot.)

Idiot Sighting: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Alabama.

Idiot Sighting: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas.

Idiot Sighting: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

Idiot Sighting: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know -- I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.

I MUST remember to use the airport one when I go to France later this year

Sandy

[Highmac]

QUOTE(sandyman @ Aug 3 2008, 08:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I MUST remember to use the airport one when I go to France later this year
Sandy

DO be VERY careful how you joke in any airport, Sandy - they can always have the last laugh with those surgical gloves.....

[Highmac]

They say there is a thin line between genius and looking like an idiot.

Play guitar and harmonica at the same time, like Neil Young or Bob Dylan, and you'll be called a genius.

Try to add a rhythm section by strapping  cymbals between your knees......

[Xairbusdriver]

from an email:

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head, lifts his eyes and head to the Heavens and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?

"Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday."

[Xairbusdriver]

Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
31. You notice that there is not a number "5" in this list.

[Xairbusdriver]

JUDAS ASPARAGRAS.
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. [ed. I seriously doubt the credibility of that claim]
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

The  Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten  Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol  and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but  that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.

His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[Gregg]

Continuing the theme, this actually happened this morning at the church we attended in Urbana, IL (same place we had attended 25 years ago when I was in school there):

One of the most respected leaders of the congregation was at the lectern...

".... Now, please go to me in prayer."

silence, knowing glances and smiles exchanged in the "pews"

"...uh, go with me in prayer."

Cracked everybody up! We knew what he meant.

[jwboyd]

This, too, actually happened:

My father-in-law, a minister, prayed: "Lead us in plain plaths, we play ."

[Highmac]

Found Ten Things Americans Must Not Do When Visiting the UK when I was looking for something else.
Two samples.....

QUOTE

4. Don't mention the rain. When you're there, don't go on about the weather back home, especially if you live in Florida or California. It rains a lot in the UK. Don't remind the British that in other parts of the world there is such a thing as hot and sunny weather. It doesn't go down well.

5. Don't complain about the beer being warm. There is a reason for this. It's to let the drinker taste the flavour of the beer. Be warned: some British ales can be VERY strong. If a friendly local buys you a pint of beer and starts smirking at you, you can be guaranteed that within a few drinks you'll have your arm round him and be inviting him back to your home town for a vacation - no bad thing, if that's what you want.

[kimmer]

Three store owners shared adjacent storefronts in the same building. Times were tough. In hopes of picking up sales, the owner of the shop at one end of the building put a sign over his front entrance that said, YEAR-END CLEARANCE!!! At the other end of the building, another owner responded with his own sign: ANNUAL CLOSE-OUT.

The owner of the store in the middle knew he had to act fast or he'd lose business. After careful consideration, he hung a larger sign over his front door that read, MAIN ENTRANCE.

[Xairbusdriver]

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods, of FLOYD County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,





'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Bad Day?
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Always have a tie!

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jew replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are
only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

'OK,' said the old Jew, 'it does not matter that you don't want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If
you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely, Zagat-rated restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you
need. Shalom.'





Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back..

'Your brother won't let me in without a tie !'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I mean what I say!

When I say I'm Broke -- I'M BROKE !!!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!'

Said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well..



Let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity This morning.

[kimmer]

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man sitting in a library reads the births and deaths statistics. After a few minutes he whispers to the person next to him: “Do you realise, every time I breathe in and out someone dies”. The other man replies: “Try a better mouthwash”.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A very old man in his nineties is coerced by a friend to buy a lottery ticket. As luck would have it his ticket wins many millions of pounds. His friend is very reluctant to tell the old man of his good fortune in case the shock gives him a heart attack and kills him.

He decides to ask the vicar to break the news gently to him. The vicar agrees, and on his next visit to the old man he broaches the subject carefully.

“Tell me my friend,” he starts “life can be somewhat unpredictable at times. What would you do for instance if by some chance you were to win millions of pounds on the lottery?”.

The old man thinks for a while and says: “Well vicar, I’ve had a long and happy life. At my age I don’t need millions of pounds … I have no family or close friends. If I won that much on the lottery I would give it all to you”.

The shock of hearing this gives the vicar a heart attack and he dies.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Patient: Doctor help me. I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist: And when did this start exactly?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.
Psychiatrist: I see. Please get on the couch.
Patient: I'm not allowed on the couch!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A guys wife got attacked by a wart hog. He called 911 and the dispatcher ask him what was his emergency. The man said that his wife was attacked by a wart hog and was hurt pretty bad, could they please send an ambulance right away.

The dispatcher asks him the name of the street.

The man said he was at 102 Eucalyptus street.

The dispatcher asks if he could spell the street name.

The man said, "Aw... I'll just drag her over to Oak street and you'll can pick her up there."

[Highmac]

Doctor, the Invisible Man's in the waiting room.
Tell him I can't see him now.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together, man!

A man walks into a doctor's surgery and says he thinks he's a moth.
"That sound like a psychiatric condition - I'll send you on to a psychiatrist."
"I was on my way there when I saw your light was on....."