Author Topic: We need some Humor!!! (Read 467997 times)

kimmer · « **Reply #420 on:** October 10, 2008, 12:35:37 PM »

ITALIAN WOMEN ARE TOUGH!

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Get Away!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

weldiger · « **Reply #421 on:** October 10, 2008, 03:47:19 PM »

Frum us Redneks
DUI in NC
From the county where driving while under the influence is considered a sport,
comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kinston, North Carolina. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his
keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall
into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left
the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on
and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a
couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved
the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained
still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles
left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had
consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to
ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment
must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated
decoy.'

Texas Mac Man · « **Reply #422 on:** October 10, 2008, 07:16:05 PM »

The Heaviest Element Known to Science

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

jwboyd · « **Reply #423 on:** October 20, 2008, 05:40:02 PM »

Here's something to add to Highmac's earlier post about Americans visiting the UK:

http://current.newsweek.com/budgettravel/2...isrc=newsletter

I agree with all of these except Stonehenge. We had already been in London for several days and were on our way to Bath and Stratford-Upon-Avon, at the beginning of a two-week road trip. Stonehenge was right on the way, and I thought it was awesome.

Highmac · « **Reply #424 on:** October 21, 2008, 06:52:45 AM »

QUOTE(jwboyd @ Oct 20 2008, 11:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Here's something to add to Highmac's earlier post about Americans visiting the UK:

http://current.newsweek.com/budgettravel/2...isrc=newsletter

I agree with all of these except Stonehenge. We had already been in London for several days and were on our way to Bath and Stratford-Upon-Avon, at the beginning of a two-week road trip. Stonehenge was right on the way, and I thought it was awesome.

Thanks for a fascinating link..... Robert Burns wrote about having the "power to see ourselves as others see us", and that's probably as near as you can get to it!
I'm glad so many people found a warm welcome from the natives over here, but I must say we had an equally warm welcome on our two trips to the States - west side in May 2001 and east side two or three years later. People seemed genuinely delighted to meet a couple of 'Brits', and we often found ourselves shaking hands - not something people often do with strangers over here these days.

It produced an idea and I've started a new thread here.

Texas Mac Man · « **Reply #425 on:** October 21, 2008, 03:06:54 PM »

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

(You're gonna LOVE this....)

The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Highmac · « **Reply #426 on:** October 22, 2008, 07:30:30 AM »

QUOTE(jwboyd @ Oct 20 2008, 11:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Here's something to add to Highmac's earlier post about Americans visiting the UK:

http://current.newsweek.com/budgettravel/2...isrc=newsletter

From that link:

QUOTE

Lewis is pretty basic, but it is possible to rent a car [a beater, true, but I'd recommend it anyway -- Lewis would be a great place to practice your left-hand driving, since you only see another car about every 20 minutes!

From the context, it's obvious he's referring to a rather old car, presumably what over here would be called a 'heap' or a 'shed'. But where does 'beater' come from?

RNKIII · « **Reply #427 on:** October 22, 2008, 08:50:58 AM »

"Beaters" are what Mom & Dad gave/give to young inexperienced drivers to use as their first vehicles.... as they are usually pretty 'beat up' after that experience...

Been there, done that, have the insurance claims to prove it!!!

Bob K. rnkiii

Highmac · « **Reply #428 on:** October 22, 2008, 11:22:19 AM »

Thanks Bob - that makes sense, remembering my first car and my son's first car

RHPConsult · « **Reply #429 on:** October 23, 2008, 08:23:24 PM »

Today I went into town to buy a new toaster – they gave me a bank.

Gregg · « **Reply #430 on:** October 25, 2008, 10:21:36 AM »

QUOTE(RHPConsult @ Oct 23 2008, 08:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Today I went into town to buy a new toaster – they gave me a bank.

I received one that's worse than that:

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.

Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly

little cute jokes....

Sounds to me like she's been 'sweeping' around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sandbox · « **Reply #431 on:** November 07, 2008, 10:48:55 PM »

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that 1 had to leave,
otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping .

krissel · « **Reply #432 on:** November 08, 2008, 02:23:41 AM »

kimmer · « **Reply #433 on:** November 19, 2008, 02:00:34 PM »

TIMELY LETTER TO THE BANK

Dear Sir or Madam:

One of my checks was returned and marked 'insufficient funds.'

In view of developments in the banking industry, I have a question: Does this refer to me or to the bank?

Please advise.

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #434 on:** November 21, 2008, 07:22:06 PM »

A great video that all new forum members should be required to watch!

<Posting and You...>

News:

Author Topic: We need some Humor!!! (Read 467997 times)