We need some Humor!!!

[Highmac]

Two blokes in a bar talking about their girl friends.
One says: "I'm going out with one half of a pair of twins"
His mate asks: "How do you know which is which?"
"Simple" replies the first one. "Her brother's got a beard..."

[Texas Mac Man]

The Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
 
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
 
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.  It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
 
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.  Tommy was over 2 hours late.
 
'Where have you been?  Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
 
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
 
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
 
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
 
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' Said Tommy.
 
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha
 
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
 
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
 
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.  We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
 
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.  'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
 
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
 
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!  You can't be too mad with Tommy.  After all, he is your son!'
 
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Xairbusdriver]

What is the age of your brain? Before starting this test, carefully read these instructions:
1. The site is in Japan, thus very little of the text will be readable by many people. Fortunately, the "Start" and "Replay" links are in English. And so is the report of you brain age! Some might have wanted that otherwise...
2. The object of the game.
2.a. View a set of numbers (0 through 9) randomly placed in an on-screen box.
2.b. You will have only a short period of time to view and 'memorize' them.
2.c. Next, the digits will be replaced by empty circles in exactly the same positions of the digits.
2.d. Your task is to click the circles, in the correct order of the previously seen numbers, from smallest to largest.
3. The number of digits in the box will start at three, probably, and increase as the test continues.

Don't expect to be able to remember the sequence for all the screens, especially as the number of digits increase. I don't think the time to see the digits decreases with each level or the number of digits, but it will probably seem that way! Note that any of the ten digits may be presented at each showing but never more than one of each digit. The only time all ten would be visible would be when, by some stroke of geniusluckcheating, one were to make it to that level!

The first time I played, I didn't even remember the instructions and clicked the circles in the reverse order. Obviously, completely failing those three screens!

[attachment=1168:Test__1.jpg][attachment=1169:Test__2.jpg]

I'm not sure how the final score is computed but I suspect it takes into account both the number of correct answers, the number of digits shown and the time you take to complete the test. Also, be aware, of course, that a brains age is no indication of the wisdom (if any) within it!

Here's the site: <F l a s h . . F a b r i c  a>
Good luck!

[sandbox]

 The George W. Bush Library

 Dear Fellow Constituent:


 The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning
 stages and accepting donations. The Library will include:


 The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.


 The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.


 The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.


 The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.


 The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.


 The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.


 The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.


 The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.


 The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.


 The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first visit, they make
 you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.


 The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.


 The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.


 The Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican senators.




 The Decision Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.


 And don't miss the Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.


 The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.


 The library will also include many famous quotes by George W. Bush:


 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'


 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'


 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'




 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'


 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'


 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'


 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'


 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the  future.'


 'The future will be better tomorrow.'


 'We have the best educated American people in the world.'


 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)


 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'


 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'


 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'


 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'


 PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!


 Sincerely,

 G.W. Bush Library Board of Director

[Sylvi2909]

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
 
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
 
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
 
But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.
 
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
 
Now I fully understand
About "Living in the Past".
 
We used to go to friends homes,
Baseball games and lunches.
 
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.
 
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.  
 
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.
 
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
 
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
 
We used to travel often
To places near and far.
 
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.
 
We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
 
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.
 
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
 
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damn old!!



You pass this way only once so enjoy it while you can;
Live A Lot,
Laugh A Lot and
Love A Lot!

[jwboyd]

Definition of a Retirement Community:

Where none of the women can get pregnant,
and all the men look like they are!

[Texas Mac Man]

Truth About Married Life:

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on wa s a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

"Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stopped Fishing

One Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking...but I've stopped fishing.

[Highmac]

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - they never get the house.....

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that they've banned the Flintstones in Dubai ?
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It's because they don't understand it...
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But the people from Abu Dhabi do..!

[Xairbusdriver]

[sandbox]

say what?

[Paddy]

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away."Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?""Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

[Paddy]

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

[Paddy]

Salesmen

An enthusiastic but somewhat unscrupulous salesman was waiting to see the purchasing agent of an engineering firm. The salesman was there to submit his company's bid, or price quote, for a particular job. He couldn't help but notice, however, that a competitor's bid was on the purchasing agent's desk. Unfortunately, the actual figure was covered by a juice can. The temptation to see the amount quoted became too much, and the salesman reached over and lifted the can. His heart sank as he watched thousands of BB pellets pour from the bottomless can and scatter across the floor.

[Paddy]

What's for Lunch?An Accountant, a Laywer, and an Engineer were supervising construction work on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Accountant said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."The Lawyer opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."The Engineer opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."Next day - the Accountant opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Lawyer open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Engineer opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.At the funeral - The Accountant's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Lawyer's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Engineer's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

[chriskleeman]

Life explained:

On the first day, God
    created the dog and said:

    'Sit all day by the door of your
    house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this,
    I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

    The dog
    said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
    years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

    So God
    agreed.

    On the second day, God created
    the monkey and said:

    "Entertain people, do tricks,
    and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
    life span."

    The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty
    years? That's a pretty long time to perform How about I give
    you back ten like the Dog did?'

    And God agreed.


    On the third day, God created the cow and
    said:


    'You
    must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
    under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
    farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of
    sixty years.'

    The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough
    life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and
    I'll give back the other forty?'

    And God agreed
    again.


    On
    the fourth day, God created man and
    said:
'
    Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll
    give you twenty years.'

    But man said: 'Only twenty
    years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow
    gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
    the
    dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

    'Okay,' said
    God, 'You asked for it.'

    So that is why for our first
    twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the
    next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
    For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
    grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front
    porch and bark at everyone.


    Life
    has now been explained to you.