We need some Humor!!!

[RNKIII]

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILLNOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

 I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something
for it.

 FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!  Except that one where you're naked in church.

 Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

 Kinky is using a feather.  Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Welcome to Utah.  Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl(in formaldehyde)

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not
screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from
Tijuana.


Bob K.   rnkiii

[Highmac]

Dancing: The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalised by music. GB Shaw

If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn’t reach any conclusion. GB Shaw

Well, Clive, it’s all about the two M’s - movement and positioning. Ron Atkinson (an English football manager)

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

The Republic-of-China - back in the Olympic Games for the first time. David Coleman (an English sports commentator)

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget butler. WC Fields

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. Robin Williams

[Texas Mac Man]

Rose and Barb  

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
 
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
 
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
   
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'
 
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
 
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
   
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
   
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
   
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
 
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
   
'Rose! Where are you?'
   
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
   
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
   
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
   
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
 
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
 
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.

[Texas Mac Man]

(A day late, but I can't wait till Easter next year.)

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.  He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.  The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.   Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the EASTER BUNNY, and he is  DEAD!!
The driver feels so awful  that he begins to cry.  A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.  She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.  "I feel TERRIBLE!" he explains, "I accidentally hit the EASTER BUNNY with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."  She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead  EASTER BUNNY, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.  The EASTER BUNNY  jumps up waves its paw at them and hops down the road.

Ten feet away he stops turns around  & waves again.  He hops down the road another 10feet, turns & waves, and repeats this again & again & again & again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is ASTONISHED!!  He runs over to the woman and DEMANDS, "What is IN that can?  What did you spray on the EASTER BUNNY?"  The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.   It says.."Hair Spray" …RESTORES LIFE to DEAD HAIR, & adds 'permanent' wave."

[krissel]

[Xairbusdriver]

Meant to post this yesterday, April 15, heard it on The Writer's Almanac with Garrison Keillor. It was the birthday of Morris Bishop (1893-1973), who wrote the following entertaining poem:

QUOTE

I lately lost a preposition:
It hid, I thought, beneath my chair.
And angrily I cried: "Perdition!
Up from out of in under there!"

Correctness is my vade mecum,
And straggling phrases I abhor;
And yet I wondered: "What should he come
Up from out of in under for?"

BTW, not being a Latin (nor any other kind of) scholar, I had to look up the "vade mecum" reference. "Handbook" comes pretty close. But it doesn't have enough syllables...and doesn't rhyme as well with "come," I guess...

[Xairbusdriver]

Had a hard time deciding where to post this. It's somewhat technical, but not really computer related. It's quite funny, but uses basic science to explain things. It's somewhat of a category of its own. Enjoy!

<Hydrogen and Helium>

[krissel]

[Highmac]

Here's one British politician who can usually raise a laugh - rarely intentionally.... Boris Johnson, Mayor of London
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8082995.stm

[Xairbusdriver]

<This ad is quite amusing>, especially if you ever get bogged down in the seemingly endless list of useless apps for the iPhone.

[gunug]

I couldn't do the story justice without typing the whole thing but there is a wonderful story at Wikipedia about 10 cent beer night:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Cent_Beer_Night

This happened 35 years ago yesterday!

[Xairbusdriver]

Not only is MS not afraid of Apple, they are "really excited!" I think you'll agree this does not belong on the Tech side. :yawn:

<See what Windows 7 can do? Well, we can't actually show you, but trust us, it's really, really exciting!!!>

[jwboyd]

"Thrust" us?

Is that a euphemism for what most of us would like to do to Windows?

[Xairbusdriver]

I have absolutely no idea what you might be talking about, Joe! Hhave you hhad your eyes testhed lathely? Iht seems you are seeing exrtha letthers that justh aren'th thhere!

[kimmer]

QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jun 9 2009, 11:50 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

See what Windows 7 can do? Well, we can't actually show you ....

Guess not. The thing doesn't even play for me in FF, and to see the opening scene I have to scroll the browser window up and then all I see is the bottom portion of where the vid would be. Some kind of win only thing? Oh yeah, great way to advertise. I guess "I'm a PC" doubled is still zero.