We need some Humor!!!

[Xairbusdriver]

Since I may have started a "ruckus" on the other side, I hope this redeems my standing with the rest of you. Not original. Sent to my wife by one of her close DAR buddies. But it also helps destroy the 'little old blue-haird lady" image some have of these women!

The story:
Several months ago, our church leaders planned a marriage enrichment seminar for this past weekend (26th and 27th). The seminar would begin on Saturday afternoon, include dinner, and end with an evening session.  The seminar was really good.  The information was presented with Power Point, dinner table discussion topics, and other group participation methods, and was well attended with at least 100 participants from young to old.

Joe and I had been at church since 1:00 that afternoon assisting with the set up for dinner and food prep, and had helped with serving, so we were pooped by the time the evening session started. About 7:30, they gave us a short break, so we headed to the refreshment table for water to keep us awake.  About half way through, there was something I needed under my chair (who knows what). Putting my water glass between my legs, I leaned forward to pick up my purse.  Well, you know what happened.  My full large cup of water and ice went down both legs, into my shoes, and all over the floor.  Managing not to scream, I kicked off both shoes in a nano-second and sent Joe for paper towels.  Now, this was right in the middle of a serious session on marriage.  And here Joe and I were, trying to wipe up a quart of water and ice around tightly packed chairs without creating a scene.  Of course Joe and I were laughing, as was everyone immediately around us.  My pants and shoes were soaked…and very cold, I might add.  We had used half of a roll of paper towels by then and just about the time we had most of it cleaned up…...you won’t believe this….Joe spilled his cup of water!  Well, if that didn’t beat all!  If anyone didn’t see the first spill, they certainly saw the second one.  So, we started all over again and used the other half of the roll of paper towels.  The speaker had talked about empathy with your spouse earlier, so Joe leaned over and said, I just did that so you wouldn’t feel so bad.  Sure, you did!!!

Talk about disrupting class!  After the session was over, some young couple came up to us and said, “We enjoyed your water show!”  We had never seen those people before in our lives!  How embarrassing was that?  Hope that is not the only thing they remember about the seminar!  So what did I take away from the seminar?  The family that spills together stays together!

Baptizing my shoes,
Liz

[Highmac]

Found on another forum (isn't that how we usually get these things?)

Some great examples of exam answers from the most clueless - and inventive - of students. Some are very nearly right ("What happens to your body when taking a breath? Your chest gets bigger"), but some are very wrong indeed (Is the moon or the sun more important? The moon gives us sight at night when we need it. The sun only provides light in the day when we don't. Therefore the moon is more important). Laugh...and weep for the state of education!

1) _Classical Studies_
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

2) _Biology_
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

3) _General Studies_
Question: Jeff has been asked to collect data about the amount of television his friends watch. Think of an appropriate question he could ask them.
Answer: How much TV do you watch?

4) _Classical Studies_
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

5) _Biology_
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death

6) _Geography_
Question: What are the Pyramids?
Answer: The Pyramids are a large mountain range which splits France and Spain

7) _Biology_
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television

_English_
Question: In Pride and Prejudice, at what moment does Elizabeth Bennet realise her true feelings for Mr Darcy?
Answer: When she sees him coming out of the lake.

9) _Geography_
Question: What do we call a person forced to leave their home perhaps by a natural disaster or war, without having another home to go to.
Answer: Homeless

10) _Religious Studies_
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony

11) _Biology_
Question: In the Hawaiian Islands, there are around 500 different species of fruit fly. Give a reason for this
Answer: There are approximately 500 varieties of fruit

12) _Physics_
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels
Answer: Fire

13) _Geography_
Question: Define the term "intensive farming".
Answer: It is when a farmer never has a day off.

14) _Maths_
Question: Change 7/8 to a decimal
Answer: 7.8

15) _Geography_
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

16) _General Studies_
Question: Redundancy is often an unpleasant and unexpected event in someone's life. Give two examples of unexpected life events.
Answer: 1) death 2) Reincarnation

17) _History_
Question: What was introduced in the Children's Charter of 1908?
Answer: Children

18) _Business Studies_
Question: Explain the word "wholesaler".
Answer: Someone who sells you whole items - eg, a whole cake

19) _Geography_
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

20) _Geography_
Question:What artificial waterway runs between the Mediterranean and Red Seas?
Answer: The Sewage Canal

21) _Geography_
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

22) _Maths_
Question: Expand 2 (x + y)
Answer: 2 ( x + y )
2 ( x + y )
2 ( x + y )

23) _Business Studies_
Question: Assess Fashion House plc's choice to locate its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?
Answer: No. People from Birmingham aren't very fashionable.

24) _History_
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.

25) _History_
Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer: Unusual names.

---------------------------
Someone questioning whether these are genuine points out that: "A person who was not sure of the meaning of the word 'lava' despite the context of the question would NEVER correctly spell 'pre-pubescent caterpillar' AND get it gramatically correct."

[krissel]

That list reminds me of when I was in a second grade class discussing possible subjects for a mural we were going to create.
I tried to get them to think of things that would include a lot of activity.

One of the suggestions was to depict a "Fair".  In attempting to get the kids to offer ideas for what could be included in such a picture I asked, "What is a Fair?"

A hand shot up in the back of the room.

"Yes?", I said.

The child blurted out, "I'm not really sure but my Mom's having one with the man who lives next door."

[Xairbusdriver]

"Out of the Mouthes of Babes!"

Had lunch a few Sundays ago with a lady who helps with a group of very young children. The Pastor's wife was leading the group asking for help in drawing Man's departure from Eden. She asked the kids to name some sins. The expected list was coming fast and furious; lying, cheating, hitting, being mean to sister, sticking your tongue out, etc. Obviously, the children didn't really have a concept of "sin" in the Christian sense, but they knew it was something bad. The point of the exercise was for the Pastor's wife to write the sin and draw something depicting it on the white board. Thinking she had just about enough options, a little boy raised his hand. "OK, one more." Three words she soon grew to wish she'd never uttered!

"Calling someone a S.O.B.!" And, he didn't need to abbreviate it, he knew all the words!

[krissel]

What did she draw?  

[Xairbusdriver]

In this case, she decided discretion was called for and simply said, "That certainly is a good example, but I think we already have enough ideas on the board." She is pretty quick on her feet! Nor was this the first time there had been some rather pointed, obviously parent-sourced comments made. If only the parents knew what their children were saying! It's no wonder our ancestors thought children should be seen, not heard!

[RNKIII]

Not to date myself (much), but, in cases like this I always think of Art Linkletter and his "Kids say the darndest things" segment of his show!!


Bob K.   rnkiii

[Texas Mac Man]

Why men shouldn’t write advice columns.


Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila
-------------------------------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Walter.

[Xairbusdriver]

Good advice, but I would have checked the fuel pressure first. So, why do you feel the advice was bad?!

[Xairbusdriver]

I almost put this in the "Business Ethics" thread but it's too funny to waste on those guys!!!

Heard this on Morning Edition this morning, almost missed it, but you can now also hear it. I plan on looking for this place next time I'm in Chicago!

<Prison Puns Annoy Neighbors Of 'Felony Franks'>
With ex-convicts as staff, he offers "misdemeanor weiners" and "probation burgers." Their slogan: "Food so good it's criminal."

[kimmer]

Cleaning out the aviary at a rundown zoo, the keeper finds 2 finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage. When he reaches the primate cage he finds 2 chimps that have also died of natural causes.

"Waste not, want not," he says as he puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later, at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lion's cage.

"Oh, heck!", roars one lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

[gunug]

There was a thread on the tech-side about preventing static electricity from ruining electronics and I thought that this was kind of a funny offshoot of that discussion:


http://xkcd.com/649/

[Xairbusdriver]

Wasn't this published last year? Anyway, it bares repeeting!

QUOTE

Hope this helps someone today!

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part!!!

[Highmac]

What a great USB plug-in idea from France.
Don't worry too much about the foreign dialogue since the principle is pretty clear.

However, the plug-in doesn't work on UK computers since it's a French connection.....

[krissel]

That product is hysterical!    Reminds me of the banking commercial over here that has a "Viking" cramming money into the optical drive on his laptop and "sending" it over the internet.

I love the warning at the end of that video about abusing alcohol being bad for your health.

Be sure to click through to the page showing the three colors available.  Click on them and you get a message that bothers to explain that it is really just for your amusement. Well, duh.