Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468070 times)

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #600 on: April 19, 2010, 07:36:34 PM »
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Apr 19 2010, 12:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
.... cause his was tide up to a big old transmission... scram.gif

 rofl.gif

Now that's good enough to share with all my pals.

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #601 on: April 19, 2010, 07:41:30 PM »
THE LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy..

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair..
 
Jon

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Offline Johanbgoot

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« Reply #602 on: April 20, 2010, 06:11:43 PM »
An American friend sent me this:


A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone
with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel  up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.  'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'
KEEP SMILING

Hmmmmm. I know you think you understand what you thought I said, but I'm not sure that what you heard is what I actually meant!

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #603 on: April 21, 2010, 08:09:54 PM »
That travels all over the world and every state (and probably every county/parish/province/town) allowing each group to repace the "local call" location! Especially if there is a "foriegner" around! rolleyes.gif rofl.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #604 on: April 24, 2010, 05:01:54 PM »
Just read this on the <Sci-Tech> site article about a toaster with glass sides. Now you can see your toast burning! What a concept!
QUOTE
From the Department of Things You Did Not Know You Needed comes... the see-through toaster.
The Magimix Vision toaster, which has glass sides so you can watch your bread brown, is being introduced at Williams-Sonoma stores nationwide this spring.

And at $299.95 a pop, this device takes some serious bread -- sorry. But store officials believe there is a clear market for a transparent toaster.
Sure sounds more like a "Never Two Many Puns!" site... rolleyes.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #605 on: April 26, 2010, 02:30:47 AM »
It’s a bit early for Iceland volcano jokes. We should wait a while for the dust to settle.

I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harbouring a “weapon of ash eruption”.

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.

Iceland goes bankrupt, and then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it.

Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.

Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.

Richard Curtis is working on a new rom-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually".

Woke this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air. No change then - just a regular student pad.
Neil
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #606 on: April 26, 2010, 10:16:54 AM »
UnabASHedly funny! I can still hear the rumblings of applause! The earth is literally shaking from the excitement and outpourings of the event! Groaner.gif

BTW, I forwarded all those to my friends (all three of them), taking full credit, of course... thanx.gif
« Last Edit: April 26, 2010, 02:04:08 PM by Xairbusdriver »
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Jack W

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« Reply #607 on: April 26, 2010, 11:36:21 AM »
Neil,

you cracked me up!

good adds Jim!
Good to be Here.

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #608 on: April 26, 2010, 09:02:51 PM »
And now, some humor(?) from this side of the pond:

This is mythical and deep...
    Truly beautiful...


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean...








...NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG," deadhorse.gif

Hey, almost any reason to use that smiley is worth it! yes.gif
« Last Edit: April 26, 2010, 09:03:44 PM by Xairbusdriver »
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #609 on: April 28, 2010, 07:17:46 AM »
Do not feel guilty because you have thought ill of your wife. She has thought much worse of you.
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #610 on: May 22, 2010, 06:38:10 PM »
As some of you know where I was born, you'll know how much I appreciated this letter:
    Dearest Arkansas Redneck Son,

    I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

    We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved across the river.

    I won't be able to send you the address because the last Indiana family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

    The weather isn't bad here It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

    About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

    Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

    Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

    There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

    Your Favorite Aunt,

    Mom
Jim C. [aka: a Redneck Arky]
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
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And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jwboyd

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« Reply #611 on: May 22, 2010, 07:35:41 PM »
Dear Redneck Son

We struck oil on our farm, and with all the money coming in we decided to hire a carpenter to build us a new house.

We have one room that all we do in it is sleep. They call that the bedroom. In another room all we do in it is eat. They call that the dining room.

There’s another room the builder calls the bathroom. Took us a while to figger it all out, but I think we’ve got it. There’s one doohickey where we wash our hands, and a big horse watering trough where you can take your Saturday night bath if you need one. The third thingamajig had us buffaloed for a while. We finally decided it must be a foot washer. You can stick one foot in the water and wash it, then you pull a chain to change the water so you can wash the other foot.

It had two lids on it, but we decided we didn’t need them and took them off. We use one for a breadboard and framed Grandpa’s picture with the other one.

Love,
Mom
I'm not a complete idiot -- a few parts are missing!

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #612 on: May 23, 2010, 06:52:50 AM »
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ May 23 2010, 12:38 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.


I was in a local store a while back and a woman went to weigh herself. She took off her coat and hung it over her arm before putting the money in the machine....  rolleyes.gif

Last time I saw a similar letter it was Irish - and Irish jokes were banned by the PC brigade over here years ago....  whistling.gif

Though apparently it's still OK to tell them if you ARE Irish....
« Last Edit: May 23, 2010, 06:53:52 AM by Highmac »
Neil
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #613 on: May 23, 2010, 07:03:38 AM »
QUOTE
Irish jokes were banned by the PC brigade over here years ago
Not sure out that 'brgade,' but I think most of them require a complete lack of any sense of humor before accepting an applicant... rolleyes.gif They also may not accept anyone who doesn't bleed when their skin is touched with a feather... laughhard.gif OTOH, I love self-deprecating humor/discussions/attitudes and that who solve many of the problems the 'brigades' want to solve, as well as the ones they create.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2010, 04:20:28 PM by kbeartx »
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #614 on: May 24, 2010, 06:44:57 AM »
&rlsFor the musicians among us, there are always viola jokes. In case any non-musicians are reading this, violists are sometimes characterized as failed violinists who took the easy way out. This, of course, is totally unfair because the viola is at least as difficult as the violin. Still, these jokes are popular in orchestras.

One of my favorites is this one:

A violist stopped playing during rehearsal and glared at his stand partner. The conductor asked him about it and he replied, "My stand partner loosened one of my pegs and he won't tell me which one."

Here's another:  What's the difference between a viola and a chain saw? You can tune a chain saw.
Jon

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