We need some Humor!!!

[Highmac]

I was looking for the famous quote from Sir Thomas Beecham to an apparently less-than-adequate cellist and it turns up in this page from Maestronet.com forum. The page is almost 10 years old, so don't complain about the age of the jokes

[jchuzi]

I always thought that that had come from Toscanini but Beecham's version is better than my (mistaken) one. Toscanini, however, had made a remark to a well-endowed soprano who couldn't sing to his satisfaction. He went up to her at rehearsal, grabbed her breasts, and exclaimed, "If only these were brains!".

[Highmac]

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FLAMIN' PORRIDGE YET"!!

[Xairbusdriver]

QUOTE

FLAMIN' PORRIDGE

Sounds good to me, I like my oatmeal very thick. If I can turn the bowl upside down without it falling out, it's like Little Red Riding Hood (or was it Little Miss Muffet...) would have said, "This one is just right!" Just mix in a little brown sugar, a pat of real animal fat (aka, butter) and maybe a few peanuts...

[Xairbusdriver]

<A Democrat, A Republican And Two Goats Walk Into A Park...>

[george]

porridge ain't porridge unless the finished article can be sliced
George.

[Highmac]

According to my dad, the Scottish use of the word "piece" to refer to a packed lunch originated from what George refers to. Cold porridge could be sliced and a "piece" wrapped up and taken into the fields by agricultural workers.

I guess I need to put on record that I was fairly small, and my father could be quite creative; so in retrospect I can't be sure whether that was a fact or speculation on his part. Sounds very plausible though

[Xairbusdriver]

Also sounds like Baked Oatmeal I first saw/ate in the Pennsylvania Amish area. It is basically regular oatmeal poured into a baking pan and then heated/baked until most of the moisture is gone and the top has a nice crunchy top. It could be sliced, but it is usually served in broken pieces in a bowl and covered with milk. Since I don't care for "mush," I added very little milk! And it is good simply eaten, as you say, as a snack. Brown sugar and a few sweetening spices never hurt, of course. My favorite is to put firmly frozen ice cream in that bowl, instead of milk...my wife would add chocolate syrup on top of the ice cream! I'd simply use peanut butter. Much healthier.

Now, I will go mow the yard to work off the pounds I gained simply thinking about my favorite foods!!!

[george]

Yuk!
George

[jchuzi]

No discussion of food is complete unless it includes my paternal grandmother. She may not have been the world's worst cook but she was certainly in contention. My father claimed that it wasn't until he joined the Army that he learned that you didn't have to have heartburn after each meal.

My grandfather would return from work at 6 PM. Grandma wanted to be sure that he had a hot meal so she began heating the peas at 2 PM and kept at it. On Sundays, Grandpa liked to have scrambled eggs for breakfast. She began cooking them at 7 AM. Unfortunately, he didn't get up until 9. It was family lore that her matzoh balls were more akin to cannon balls than anything else.

During WW II, Grandma (being a patriotic soul with two sons in the service) wanted to do something for "our boys". She told Grandpa that she would volunteer to cook for the soldiers. Grandpa told her that, if she wanted to help the war effort, she should cook for the German army.

To this day, if something claims that it is "just like Grandma used to make", I won't eat it.

[Texas Mac Man]

The Four Goldberg Brothers
   
    The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 19 46, the
temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
   
    The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there
with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric
starter.
   
    Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
   
    They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
   
   The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,
where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
 
   The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
   
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there
was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
   
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed
on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
   
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Low, Norm, Hi,
and Max -- on the controls. And, that's the truth.....  

[jchuzi]

In  1936, Morris Rabinowitz fled his native Germany .

He sold his assets  and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, above the limit he  could bring into the U.S.

When he arrived in New York the customs  official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth.  
So Morris explained:

"Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets  of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but, I am so religious I  also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his  head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the  other three?

"Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover,  but, I am so orthodox I have separate teeth for Passover meat and for  Passover dairy food...."

The customs official shook his head and  said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for  meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four  sets of teeth. What
about the fifth set?"

Morris looked around  and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he said, "once in a while I like  a ham sandwich."

[RHPConsult]

Four Men in a Car

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

[kimmer]

A womans funeral.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

[Highmac]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

While the surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike, the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to him. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."