We need some Humor!!!

[kimmer]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami,are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[Highmac]

Some random thoughts....

Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue

Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.

Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?

"I am Tweety of Borg. I tawt I attimiwated a puddy tat!"

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

I do a lot of thinking in the toilet. Says a lot for my thoughts.

I'd like to help you out - which way did you come in?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted...

If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?

I'm just killing time. I like it better dead.

Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.

Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.

Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass make spectacle of self.

Never moon a werewolf.

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Someday you will look back on this moment and plough into a parked car.

Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.

Schizophrenia: an unauthorized autobiography.

The death rate on Earth is one per person.

The trouble with being punctual is that no-one's there to appreciate it.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They're not laughing now.

To attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable.

Unable to open LEVI.ZIP. Continue running TAKELEAK.EXE? (Y/N)

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Blessed are the censors; for they shall inhibit the earth

[kimmer]

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in he basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Then down he went.

[Highmac]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (or almost) - but it is beneficial for people of all ages.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[kimmer]

QUOTE(Highmac @ Aug 6 2010, 09:46 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (or almost) - but it is beneficial for people of all ages.

     

[Texas Mac Man]

. .   LOVE THIS DOCTOR

Q : Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?  
A : Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it   ... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.  

Q : Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  
A :  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q : How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?  
A : Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q : What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?  
A : Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain   ...   good!  
         
Q :  Aren't fried foods bad for you?  
A :  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?

Q :  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?  
A :    Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.  

Q :  Is chocolate bad for me?  
A:  Are you crazy?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q :  Is swimming good for your figure?  
A :  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q :  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?  
A :  Hey!  'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

REMEMBER:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways  -  Chardonnay in one hand  -  Chocolate in the other  -  "WOO-HOO, what a ride!"  

AND

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies ...

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer, eat lots of sausages and fats, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[jchuzi]

The Mission Impossible squirrel

[Xairbusdriver]

QUOTE

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

OK, ok, I read the entire exercise, but I still don't see the part where you bake the potato and then slather it with real butter, sour cream, real bacon pieces and some salt and pepper. Where's that part? Huh?! Not very funny to me, I'll tell you that.

[gunug]

Not funny in itself but the father of Prairie Home Companion is suffering, in a mild Minnesota sort of way, through another birthday!  

    Happy Birthday Garrison K!    

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garrison_Keillor

[kimmer]

A pirate walked into a bar.


The bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."


"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."


"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"


"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine really."


"What about that eye patch?

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop."


The pirate looked rather sheepish. "It was my first day with the hook."

[Xairbusdriver]

OUCH!!!

[gunug]

I'm not sure that this is entirely humor; maybe if you weren't the Japanese gentleman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvUQQF5S4Dg

I first saw this bit (same ice cream vendor, different customer) on Rick Steves travel show on PBS!  I suppose that something that involves juggling and slight of hand would be funny in any language! Physical humor cannot be explained, only experienced!

[Texas Mac Man]

Puns & Fun

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[sandyman]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.  

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.  "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."  

And they did.  "Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.  "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?  Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"

[gunug]

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Banana !
Banana who ?
Banana split so ice creamed !

I think this is only funny if you know how to tell it and you tell it out loud!  I'm sure this is one my father once told me; and I don't know that he got it from a little kid, probably an older, funny looking kid!