Author Topic: We need some Humor!!! (Read 468090 times)

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #690 on:** January 29, 2011, 09:50:00 AM »

And the old standby for a muffler shop; "No appointment needed, we'll hear you coming!"

And, don't forget the "A blind man is driving this truck!" label on the window blind installers vehicle.

Highmac · « **Reply #691 on:** January 29, 2011, 10:45:36 AM »

I liked the notice in a shop here: "Ears pierced while you wait...."

And we have a septic tank service called "Suck-Cess"

*Septic tanks are also known as cesspits over here.

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #692 on:** January 29, 2011, 08:49:38 PM »

cesspits = cesspools = many politicians

jchuzi · « **Reply #693 on:** January 30, 2011, 11:17:11 AM »

Politics is the second oldest profession. Come to think of it, there's not much difference between politics and the first oldest profession.

kimmer · « **Reply #694 on:** February 03, 2011, 07:06:11 PM »

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, after finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later the Indianapolis Star reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Lafayette, Indiana, Henry, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Henry has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Indiana had already gone wireless".

Hoosiers are such a proud bunch.

jchuzi · « **Reply #695 on:** February 04, 2011, 04:48:52 PM »

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it, "the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

Highmac · « **Reply #696 on:** February 09, 2011, 09:00:54 AM »

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God approaches and says, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.'

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

The man replied, 'I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.'

kimmer · « **Reply #697 on:** February 09, 2011, 02:19:22 PM »

An 'older' couple is attending church services….

About halfway through, 'The wife' writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do ?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Texas Mac Man · « **Reply #698 on:** February 10, 2011, 08:05:35 AM »

(May be a repeat)

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having
to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,

Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -
for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates,

who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!!

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #699 on:** February 11, 2011, 12:42:12 PM »

KY ~ February, 2011

[attachment=2128:KentuckyJohn.gif]
I'm hoping this is not KentuckyJohn!

george · « **Reply #700 on:** February 16, 2011, 11:56:27 AM »

A taxman with a sense of humour - amazing!

A real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially enviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime,whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #701 on:** February 16, 2011, 02:57:28 PM »

Absolutely ingenious, polite and self-explanatory! You are fortunate to have such erudite, articulate and very civil "servants."

Unfortunately, I suspect the recipient failed to grasp either the humor or the sarcasm...and is probably still upset at paying his share.

Not to mention being beaten at his own game!

kimmer · « **Reply #702 on:** February 22, 2011, 10:48:05 PM »

Did you hear about the two fish in the tank?

One of them said to the other, "You man the gun; I'll drive.

kimmer · « **Reply #703 on:** February 22, 2011, 11:21:03 PM »

"Two elderly men had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

His friend glared at him for at least three minutes; he just stared and glared at him. Finally he said, "How soon do you need to know?"

kimmer · « **Reply #704 on:** February 24, 2011, 04:02:04 AM »

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a lawyer are the only survivors from a boating accident in the Atlantic. Being adrift for many days in shark-infested waters, they finally spot land. Sadly, they lost their paddles and could not simply row there, so one of them had to swim to help the others get rescued.

The Rabbi declined because, if the sharks ate him, he could not tell his people of the amount of Faith he found during his time being stranded. The Priest also declined because he too said that if the sharks ate him, he couldn't tell his story to his followers either. The lawyer sighed and said "FINE! I'll do it then!" He jumped off, swam to shore, and later that day, he brought rescuers.

Amazed, both the Rabbi and the Priest asked how he managed to not get eaten by the sharks. "Was it your faith in God?", asked the Priest. "No", replied the lawyer. "Well, then, what else could have protected you from those relentless and vile creatures?" The lawyer smiled and said "Call it, 'professional courtesy'."

============

What do you call a lawyeer buried neck-deep in sand?

"WE NEED MORE SAND!"

============

This wasn't my morning.

After a particularly trying day yesterday, I went home early, and except for an hour or so, here and there, basically slept through to almost noon. That's like a week's worth of sleep for me, and my body just can't take it.

Then, to top it off, some kid's ball rolled in front of my car about an hour ago, and when I slammed on my brakes, one of those jacked-up monster off-road SUVs broke the rear glass of my station wagon. I don't care if insurance covers it, it's always iffy whether the rear defroster will work properly on those after a replacement, so I figured I was looking at months of blown fuses and taillights -- and police stops for blown taillights.

Then the driver climbs out -- and I do mean "climbed": he was, to all appearances, a very muscular achondroplastic dwarf.

He swaggers over to my door, taps on it for me to get out, and in his most menacing growl, has the nerve to tell *me*, the rear-ended victim, "I. Am. Not. Happy."

Purely in the interest of collecting insurance information, I replied "Well, which one are you, then?"

That's when the fight started.

The preceding was a joke, of course. Complete fiction.

============

Two termites walk in a restaurant and asks "Is the bartender here?"

============

A cowboy goes to use an outhouse and spots an Indian down in the bottom of the pit. He asks how long he was down there for and the Indian replies...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Many moons

============

Mrs. O'Shaunnasy visits the local market on a Monday and asks the store keeper, Mr. O'Leary if he has any onions today. Mr. O'Leary replies that he doesn't have any onions today and won't have them til Saturday.

Tuesday comes by and again, Mrs. O'Shaunnasy visits the local market and asks the store keeper, Mr. O'Leary if he has any onions today. Mr. O'Leary replies that he doesn't have any onions today and won't have them til Saturday.

Wednesday comes by and again, Mrs. O'Shaunnasy visits the local market and asks the store keeper, Mr. O'Leary if he has any onions. Mr. O'Leary replies "I told ya Monday, and I told ya yesterday, I don't have any onions and I won't have them til Saturday."

Thursday comes by and again, Mrs. O'Shaunnasy visits the local market and asks the store keeper, Mr. O'Leary if he has any onions. Mr. O'Leary replies "I told ya Monday, and I told ya Tuesday, and I told ya yesterday, I don't have any onions and I won't have them til Saturday."

Friday comes by and again, Mrs. O'Shaunnasy visits the local market and asks the store keeper, Mr. O'Leary if he has any onions. By this time, Mr. O'Leary has gotten irritated with her and replies "Now, let me ask ya... Who put the 'Tom' in Tomatoes?" The woman shrugs as he continues; "Who put the 'Pot' in Potatoes?"; once again, the woman shrugs as he asks "Who put the frell in the onions?" The woman replies "There ain't no frell in onions!!" The storekeeper says "That's what I've been trying to tell ya and there won't be any til Saturday!!"

News:

Author Topic: We need some Humor!!! (Read 468090 times)