We need some Humor!!!

[RHPConsult]

Retirement Qs and As

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back toschool as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

[RHPConsult]

Here are the winners of the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any  word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The 2006 Winners

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start  with.

3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

4. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted  very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is  sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[Gregg]

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
 
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
 
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
 
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
 
4. No one knows your secret place.
 
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
 
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
 
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
 
See? It really does work . You're smiling already.

[RNKIII]

       

Works very nicely, thank you Gregg!!!



bob K.  rnkiii

[RHPConsult]

I never really "believe" the so-called Darwin Awards. but they are amusing, if only as examples of creative writing. Here's what's now being passed around as the roster of "winners" of the award (several posthumously) for 2007.

• • • • •

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, off icer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

The 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD Winner

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted t o trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[dolphin]

My 5 New Boyfriends

I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, WILL POWER helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see JOHN.

Then CHARLIE HORSE comes along. And when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, ART RITIS shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with BEN GAY.

What a life!

Oh YES, I'm also flirting with AL ZYMER.

I think I know some of these folks!!!

[Xairbusdriver]

Pretty much sums up my opinion of the outfit: <Yahoo!>

[dolphin]

SCAM WARNING:

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it
myself a couple times... but this one is real, and it's important. So please
send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warming weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!!  They only want
to see you naked!!!!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid

[Gregg]

Roy, what about the lawn care company that calls every spring to tell me there have been lots of people in the neighborhood reporting ants inside the house? Maybe it's another insect scam!

[krissel]

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the recent Southern California fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled
the blazes.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground-level.


So he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-engine plane would
be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I am a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need some close-up shots."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"

[dolphin]

An unemployed man is desperate to support  his family of a wife and three kids.


He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm
and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him,
"You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he
sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives
home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

[Gregg]

QUOTE(dolphin @ May 10 2007, 06:48 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

Then your doorbell rang...

[Highmac]

Hey, we haven't had a laugh at the expense of M$ for - oooh, must be several minutes now

Couple of YouTube offerings:
Vista Install in two minutes
and
Voice "recognition"

[dolphin]

I am not trying to set any records. I am just curious    Does anyone know or is it possible to know what the longest thread i.e. # of views, # of responses; longevity of activity on the board is or was???     Hope this makes sense.  

[RHPConsult]

I have an all-too-hazy memory that an early joke thread around these parts got to somewhere over 2000 views . . .

To keep this one going, here are 3 commentaries on marriage . . .

1. A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
   The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
   "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
2. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
3. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
   The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
   The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."