Author Topic: We need some Humor!!! (Read 468086 times)

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #945 on:** August 30, 2014, 11:05:11 AM »

Attention Sneakers! It appears that someone is not taking their meds!!

kimmer · « **Reply #946 on:** September 02, 2014, 10:12:39 PM »

An art connoisseur passed a little grocery in New York when he noticed a kitten on the front step lapping up some milk in a bowl. The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing. What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from. It was a rare antique worth thousands. He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat.

"He's not for sale." Says the store owner.

"That's ridiculous!" Says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him."

The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal."

The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks "For that price I'm sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it."

The store owner says " No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"

kimmer · « **Reply #947 on:** September 04, 2014, 05:01:58 PM »

My student was late for class, claiming he was in the washroom. I think he was stalling.

An undertaker can be one of your best friends, he is always the last one to let you down.

My mom ran out of poultry seasoning so she winged it.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

The Mafia decided to include beauty salons in their business and started a campaign of blacknailing.

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?

If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.

jchuzi · « **Reply #948 on:** September 04, 2014, 07:00:49 PM »

Well done, Kimmer! Your list of puns is sure to annoy Jim (which is one of my favorite activities).

Here's another:

A man walks into a bar with a talking bird perched on his shoulder. The man orders a beer and so does the bird. The bartender, however, says, "We don't serve mynahs".

jchuzi · « **Reply #949 on:** September 05, 2014, 08:03:12 AM »

From the late, great Joan Rivers (RIP): Quotes.

kimmer · « **Reply #950 on:** September 05, 2014, 11:32:03 PM »

QUOTE(jchuzi @ Sep 4 2014, 05:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well done, Kimmer! Your list of puns is sure to annoy Jim (which is one of my favorite activities).

Here's another:

A man walks into a bar with a talking bird perched on his shoulder. The man orders a beer and so does the bird. The bartender, however, says, "We don't serve mynahs".

speaking of birds ...

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed reading those romance novels? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire collection of Harlequin romance novels. It took a bird trainer 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the book title, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent a letter to each son. "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #951 on:** September 06, 2014, 09:42:26 AM »

The only thing worse than a bad pun is an old one!

Just don't quit your 'day job'.

Oh! Wait! I think I see the problem!

Uhmn... does that local paper have a Help Wanted section?

kimmer · « **Reply #952 on:** September 06, 2014, 02:57:29 PM »

[attachment=3056:ufo.jpg]

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #953 on:** September 06, 2014, 05:21:16 PM »

Young lady, bring Mac to the Mac. Immediately!

kimmer · « **Reply #954 on:** September 11, 2014, 09:59:50 PM »

After I drink coffee I like to show the empty mug to the IT guy to tell him that I’ve fully installed Java. He hates me.

(edited to correct spelling, although my misspelled word was funny in its own way.)

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #955 on:** September 12, 2014, 10:06:48 AM »

Have to admit this "joke" just "messed up my hair"! I've been searching the web for several minutes to find the definition of "sully installed". Here's some text from a site offering help with WordPress security issues:

QUOTE

2. Removal of Inactive Old Themes and Plugins
WordPress Themes and plugins that are sully installed over the website must be checked for current, inactive or old versions to maintain security risks.

Here's some text from a post by a youngster trying to fix an HP PC:

QUOTE

I have attempted to start the machine in safe mode, but I get a "System is not sully installed, please run setup again" Message.

Perhaps you had in mind the method used in this Salt Lake Tribune, August 16, 1931 ad?

QUOTE

1 Westlnsbouse electric tnd coal combination, large full automatic flavor zone oven, all-gray porcelain. like new. Regular price 5265, now Sully Installed

I can only assume that "Westinsbouse" was the former name of "Westinghouse"?

OTOH, they always say, "If you have to explain the punch line, the jokes on the hearer!" OK, they don't always say that, but often enough...

kimmer · « **Reply #956 on:** September 12, 2014, 11:40:43 PM »

toes by MrsMac1974, on Flickr

cut by MrsMac1974, on Flickr

jchuzi · « **Reply #957 on:** September 16, 2014, 08:09:46 AM »

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

gunug · « **Reply #958 on:** September 17, 2014, 12:38:44 PM »

Saw this from a computer engineer turned comic named Wayne Cotter on TED Talks:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHFKyuu6clg

Technology can be very funny!

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #959 on:** September 17, 2014, 04:02:11 PM »

Thanks! Haven't watched any TED Talks in awhile! I admit I actually laughed out loud at the "14 business days" piece!

Many of these often too short talks are funny and if you're not careful, you might even learn something!

News:

Author Topic: We need some Humor!!! (Read 468086 times)