Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468077 times)

Offline jchuzi

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We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #990 on: November 02, 2014, 09:01:57 AM »
Philosophers of the 20th Century…
 
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket ​                                                                 was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ David Letterman...
America  is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes ​                                                                   that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.  ​By ​God ​, I'm a billionaire.

~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors.  Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~  Arnold  Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier.  I have 50 million dollars ​                                                                                        but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others.  What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry.  I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Warren Tantum....
I don't believe in astrology.  I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a ​                                                                                     m​​an wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking.  Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
 
 


 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


 
 
 
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #991 on: November 12, 2014, 06:56:23 PM »
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver)
I suppose "pretty sure" is sufficient for you. That's simply not the way we work in a cockpit.  "Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're landing at the correct airport."


Reminds of me of a joke (what doesn't?). A rather dense pilot and his even stupider copilot are attempting a landing. The pilot says, "I have experience at this airport. The runways are extremely short so we'll have to reverse engines as soon as we touch down and stand on the brakes". They do exactly as the pilot says and stop just at the edge of the tarmac.

The copilot looks from side to side and says, "You're right. This is the shortest runway that I've ever seen but, man, is it wide!"
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #992 on: November 13, 2014, 10:18:18 AM »
It is an old 'joke'. We talked about those kinds of "runways" in Viet Nam, where I flew C-130s (capable of amazingly short takeoffs and landings, BTW). Each "air field" had a page in a looseleaf binder that we would review before each day's scheduled "travels". This binder usually had a picture of what the field looked like when landing, usually from each direction. The binders contents varied as fields where built/closed/changed "management". But there was always one describing a PSP runway that was 30 feet long and 600 feet wide... I, fortunately, never had to use that one! laughhard.gif
« Last Edit: November 13, 2014, 10:19:14 AM by Xairbusdriver »
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #993 on: December 22, 2014, 06:44:13 PM »
A trooper manning a speed trap sees a motorist zooming past him at 90 mph. He gives chase and the the perpetrator speeds up to 110 mph for 10 minutes before finally pulling over. The trooper confronts the man and says, "You better have a good explanation for this!"

The man replies, "I certainly do. Five years ago, a trooper ran off with my wife. I thought that you were the one and I was afraid that you wanted to give her back."
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #994 on: December 23, 2014, 09:57:58 AM »
Thinking.gif Same type of car. Same color car. Same kind of lights. yes.gif Makes sense to me! What's the joke? dntknw.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #995 on: December 27, 2014, 12:47:58 PM »
Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks. (It may take a few seconds to get this one.)
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #996 on: December 27, 2014, 02:43:05 PM »
I think you've set a new low for "bars"! Groaner.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #997 on: December 28, 2014, 06:51:27 PM »
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Dec 27 2014, 03:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you've set a new low for "bars"! Groaner.gif
Maybe my humor is in limbo?  whistling.gif
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #998 on: December 28, 2014, 08:21:43 PM »
I rest my case! rolleyes.gif wink.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #999 on: January 20, 2015, 01:36:10 PM »
Beware of a new terrorist! He specializes in exploding kitchen tiles, and goes under the name of Linoleum Blownapart.
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1000 on: January 20, 2015, 08:01:45 PM »
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Jan 20 2015, 11:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Beware of a new terrorist! He specializes in exploding kitchen tiles, and goes under the name of Linoleum Blownapart.

This is sooooo bad. I think I'll share it.  Devilish2.gif

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1001 on: January 21, 2015, 03:52:56 PM »
PLEASE! Do not feed the animals!!
« Last Edit: January 21, 2015, 03:53:12 PM by Xairbusdriver »
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1002 on: January 21, 2015, 07:19:17 PM »
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jan 21 2015, 04:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
PLEASE! Do not feed the animals!!
From the animal (and proud of it!):

A man and his wife were having an argument about  who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get  up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
 
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking  around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I  can just wait for my coffee."
 
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and  besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the  coffee."
 
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show  me.."
 
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New  Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it  indeed says "HEBREWS."



For some reason, my wife likes the following one:

Why did God create man before he created woman? Because it is always necessary to produce a rough draft before you get a masterpiece.   wallbash.gif
« Last Edit: January 21, 2015, 07:35:47 PM by jchuzi »
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1003 on: January 22, 2015, 10:06:34 AM »
Groaner.gif

I rest my case!!!
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1004 on: January 22, 2015, 07:41:43 PM »
OK, an old and, as my habit is, long one.
Note: This is a true story told to me, privately, by a mutual friend of Jon and me. She asked not to be named.. or maybe it was not to name Jon... I forget... anyway, here's the true story:
QUOTE
As a bagpiper, Jon played many gigs. Recently Jon was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As Jon was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions.

Jon finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. Jon didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. Jon played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.
 
And as Jon played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he finished, Jon packed up my bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head was hung low, his heart was full.
 
As he opened the door to my car, Jon heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
Apparently, Jon is still lost... it's a man thing.
I understand that Jon no longer plays bagpipes... at least at funerals. We should be thankful for even little things! yes.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes: