Weekend humour....

[Highmac]

PRESS CUTTINGS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,a spokesman for North Westgas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle,and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist B*stards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.B*stards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

[pendragon]

   

Harv

[Highmac]

... and here's another one going the rounds...

QUOTE

Tony Blair has just announced that he is sending the people that chose Liverpool to be the European City of Culture, out to Iraq. The theory is that if they can find Culture in Liverpool then Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq should be a piece of cake.

[Bill]

Tech Support: "Hi, this is tech support. I was returning your support call."
Customer: "Sorry, we don't sell lobsters to the public."

---

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

[Paddy]

Newspaper clippings
 
A sign seen in a police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.' - The Guardian, London.
 
A sex line caller has complained to trading standards officers after dialling a number from an advertisement entitled 'Hear Me Moan'. The caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer watchdogs refused to look into the complaint, saying, 'He got what he deserved.'
 - The Citizen, Gloucester.
 
Under the heading 'Brussels pays £200,000 to save prostitutes': ' . . . the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.' - Daily Telegraph, London.
 
We apologies for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective of the Police Force. This was a typographical error. We meant, of course, that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the Police Farce. -Derby Abbey Community News.
 
Police, called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station, released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket. - Manchester Evening News.
 
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labeled 'For the Sick' is for monetary donations only.' - Churchdown Parish Magazine.

[ljocampo]

   

[Paddy]

Jennie's probably seen this one:

Real Estate Glossary of Terms

Spacious - average
Charming - small
Comfortable - very small
Cozy - very, very small
Low maintenance - no lawn
Walk to stores - nowhere to park your car
Prestgious - expensive
Bright and sunny - venetian blinds not included
Townhouse - former tenement
Modern - 30 to 40 years old
Contemporary - at least 15 years old
Sprawling ranch - inefficient floor plan
Natural setting - forget about planting, the deer will eat everything
Secluded setting - far away
Executive neighborhood - high taxes
Near houses of worship - fanatical denomination next door
Park-like setting - a tree on the block
Unaffected charm - needs painting
Starter home - run down
Hurry! Won't last - about to collapse
And much, much more - nothing else comes to mind

Real Estate Ad Phrases

 CHARMING - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have
to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."

MUCH POTENTIAL - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and
believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See
"Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."

UNIQUE CITY HOME - Used to be a warehouse.

HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the
kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

DARING DESIGN - Still a warehouse.

COMPLETELY UPDATED - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting
or vice versa.

SOPHISTICATED - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."

ONE-OF-A-KIND - Ugly as sin.

BRILLIANT CONCEPT - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your
30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."

UPPER BRACKET - If you have to ask . . .

YOU'LL LOVE IT - No, you won't.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE - An absolutely accurate statement.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

[Highmac]

BBC website quote of the day:

QUOTE

"I think all foreigners should stop interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq" - Paul Wolfowitz, US Deputy Defence Secretary.

[Lindsay]

Hey, thanks to all for the Friday  


Lindsay

[Paddy]

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life,
I'd like to come back as a bear.
 
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate...
you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
 
When you're a girl bear....
you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you're sleeping and wake....
to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
 
If you're a mama bear....
everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line...
you swat them, too.
I could deal with that.
 
If you're a bear...
your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have
hairy legs and excess body fat.
 
Yup... gonna be a bear

[krissel]

Well, Paddy, you might change your mind if you lived in my neck of the woods.

bears in NJ

 

[RHPConsult]

A Rabbit's Thesis  

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the  fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox  snuck up behind her and caught her.  

"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.  

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."  

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"  

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits  over Foxes and Wolves.'"  

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a  fox will always win over a rabbit."  

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come  into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you  can go ahead and have me for lunch."  

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing  to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.  

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and  sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon  her.  

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."  

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"  

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits  over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.  "Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the head. You  might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you  disagree with my conclusions."  

So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came out.   The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local  lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You  seem very happy."  

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."  

"Congratulations.

What's it about?"  "'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"  

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."  

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."  

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered,  the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy  one after writing a thesis.   The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the  right there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones   And in the middle was a large, well fed lion.  

The moral of the story:   The title of your thesis doesn't matter.   The subject doesn't matter.   The research doesn't matter.   All that matters is who your advisor is

- - -

Paddy: Wanna change animules?

[jepinto]

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"  

[jepinto]

The Ten Commandments in Cajun... (Keeps it REAL Simple)

1. God is number one... and das' All.
2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.

4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.

6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!

7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.

9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

[jepinto]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
 
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
 
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
 
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."