Weekend humour....

[jepinto]

This one is especially for a "certain someone" who shall remian for your imagination to decipher.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.  "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.  "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."  Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.  "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,"says the man.  "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right!  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Highmac]

Reckon Jim will enjoy this one (if it wasn't his in the first place   )
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The cabin door opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realise that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at  that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You  know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

[george]

A Story from Scotland.

The Sheriff of a court in Scotland, a large, impressive and intolerant man, was presiding in his court one day. The accused stood in the dock and was chewing gum very loudly. The Sheriff could stand it no longer and called over a member of the court security staff and said " Go over there and tell that obnoxious fellow to cease masticating in my court, immediately". Whereupon the security officer went over to the dock and whispered to the accused "Here son, the Sheriff says you're to take your hands out of your pockets, now!

[jepinto]

The birth of the internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

[Highmac]

Flying underpants cause crash on German highway
BERLIN, July 22 (Reuters) – A pair of flying underpants caused a crash on a German highway when they landed on a driver’s face and blocked his view, police said on Tuesday.
A police spokesman in the central town of Gotha said one of a group of naked men in a van threw the underwear into a Volkswagen Passat as they passed it on a busy stretch of one of Germany’s notoriously speedy autobahns.
“The underpants landed on the driver’s face, causing him to ram the truck ahead from behind,” said the spokesman, adding that he did not know why the men were driving along naked.
No one was hurt in the crash, but police are hunting the owner of the underpants for failing to stop at the scene.
REUTERS

[Randy]

Driving to the office
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my
left and there was a woman
in a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph with her
face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on
her eyeliner.
 

I looked away
for a couple seconds
and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
 

As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the donut
out of my other hand.
 
In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone
away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs,
splashed, and burned Big Jim
and the Twins, ruined the damn
phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.
 

Damn women drivers ! !  

[george]

The little lawyer man.

( Anthology of legal humour )

It was a little lawyer man
who softly blushed when he began
her poor, dead husband's will to scan
he smiled while thinking of his fee
then he said to her, so tenderly
" you have a nice fat legacy"
and when, next day, he lay in bed
with bandages upon his head,
he wondered what on earth he'd said.

LIE DETECTOR.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect
by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires
to a photocopying machine.
The message " He's lying " was placed in the copier and the police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the lie detector was workingt, the suspect confessed.

[Diana]

Quotes

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then
  it's time for my nap.
  (Bob Hope)

 I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
  "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
  (Eleanor Roosevelt)

  The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning
  and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
  (George Burns)

  Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
  (Victor Borge)

  Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
  (Mark Twain)

  What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
  (Mark Twain)

  By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll
  become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
  (Socrates)

  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  (Groucho Marx)

  Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men
  to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
  (Charlotte Whitton)

  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every
  now and then she stops to breathe.
  (Jimmy Durante)

  The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with
  firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
  (Jilly Cooper)

  I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
  (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

  Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
  food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
  (Alex Levine)

  Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
  The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
  (Mark Twain)

   Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you
  a more pleasant form of misery.
  (Spike Milligan)

  What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
  (Henny Youngman)

  I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous
  to offer me the position.
  (Mark Twain)

  Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
  (Joe Namath)

  I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age
  I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
  (George Burns)

  At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)

  Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
  (Herbert Henry Asquith)

  The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie
about your age.
  (Lucille Ball)

   A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the
  courtesy to thank her.
  (W.C. Fields)

  It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is,
  I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
  (George Burns)

  Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto
  him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . . . . .
  (Woody Allen)

  If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign !
  Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
  (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

  Another good thing about being poor is that when you
  are seventy your children will not have you declared
  legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
  (Woody Allen)

  If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
  (Woody Allen)

  Those are my principals, if you don't like them... I have others."
  (Groucho Marx)

  Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman
  I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister
  and now wish to withdraw that statement.
  (Mark Twain)

[Diana]

M$ has combined the strengths of three of its popular OSes to create its
next generation OS

[June Drabek]

PADDY, I stole your disertation on being a Bear to post over in Sr. Net. I hope that is allowable. June

[Highmac]

How many divorced blokes does it take to change a light bulb?
None... they never get the house....

[pendragon]

The Washington Post recently ran a contest in which readers were asked to come up with Subject lines guaranteed to cause a person to delete an e-mail, unread.

Winners:

tH!s 1s n0T $p@M!!! Opê No \/\/!!!!! Qqr pblt.

Earn Thousands Through Hard Work and Diligence.

Meet LONELY MARRIED WOMEN who want to go shopping for window treatments with your wife!

First time ever, the 1936 Republican Convention on CD!

I found you on classmates.com -- you slept with my mom 18 years ago.

You may have won a trip to East St. Louis.

See Britney Spears in a heavy parka!

THE WOMEN OF HAMAS!

Need Help With Your Resumay?

I am Lulu, voluptuous, horny, and 13. Contact me at OPERATIONJAILBAIT.gov

Stop paying for barium enemas!

Hot Afghan women in skimpy burqas! You can almost see their ankles!

Three out of two people win at the Nigerian Powerball! Why not you?

Did you know you can REQUEST an IRS audit?

Make Your Wife Think You Are Bob Dole in Bed!
———
A few others can be found in the full article http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/artic...6-2003Aug2.html

Harv

[RNKIII]

Classes for Men



       
      Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults - Sign-up by
      July 30th
      NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each
      course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.


      TOPIC 1
      HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
      Step by step, with slide presentation.


      TOPIC 2
      THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
      Round table discussion.


      TOPIC 3
      IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND
      AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
      Group Practice.


      TOPIC 4
      FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
      Pictures and explanatory graphics.


      TOPIC 5
      THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE
      KITCHEN SINK?
      Examples on Video.


      TOPIC 6
      LOSS OF IDENTITY : LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING  OTHERS TO USE IT.
      Help line support and support groups.


      TOPIC 7
      LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
      INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.


      Open forum.


      TOPIC 8
      HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH..
      Graphics and audio tape.


      TOPIC 9
      REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
      Real life testimonials.


      TOPIC 10
      IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
      Driving simulation.


      TOPIC 11
      LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS.
      Online classes and role playing.


      TOPIC 12
      HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
      Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.


      TOPIC 13
      HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER
      IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING  WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.


      Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.


      TOPIC 14
      CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
      Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so
      that they can be easily found.


      Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.



      BUMPERS STICKERS FOR LADIES --


      BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

      OH MY , I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

      GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS

      A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

      I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER

      SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

      COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

      DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

      I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN

      WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

      OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

      DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN

      ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

      I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE

      HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

      DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES

      And last but not least:

      IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN




     


Bob K.

[Diana]

The Panda Bear

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.  When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.

A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.

The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."  It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''