Best jokes of the year

[jepinto]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his  mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast,  packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the  dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a  deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,  paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter  box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make  the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen  floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with  them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized  to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while  he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing  vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for  supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded  laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
******************************************

Send someone over quickly!" the woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!
 
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

[ljocampo]

   

[dakota]

Try this one:




>>>Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults - Sign-up
by May
>>>21st
>>>NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their
content,
each
>>>course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 1
>>>HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
>>>Step by step, with slide presentation.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 2
>>>THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
>>>Round table discussion.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 3
>>>IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT
UP AND
>>>AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group Practice.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 4
>>>FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
>>>Pictures and explanatory graphics.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 5
>>>THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY
INTO
>>>THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on Video.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 6
>>>LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING  OTHERS TO USE
IT.
Help
>>>line support and support groups.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 7
>>>LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT
PLACE
>>>INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
>>>
>>>
>>>Open forum.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 8
>>>HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
>>>Graphics and audio tape.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 9
>>>REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
>>>Real life testimonials.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 10
>>>IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL
PARKS?
>>>Driving simulation.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 11
>>>LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH
OTHERS.
>>>Online classes and role playing.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 12
>>>HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
>>>Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 13
>>>HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS,
ANNIVERSARIES,
>>>OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
>>>
>>>
>>>Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
>>>
>>>
>>>TOPIC 14
>>>CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
>>>Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they
belong
>>>so that they can be easily found.
>>>
>>>
>>>Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any
survivors.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>BUMPERS STICKERS FOR LADIES --
>>>
>>>
>>>BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
>>>
>>>OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!
>>>
>>>GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT
BACKWARDS
>>>AND IN HIGH HEELS
>>>
>>>A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS
UNTIL
YOU
>>>PUT HER IN HOT WATER
>>>
>>>I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE
MARRIAGE
AND A
>>>CAREER
>>>
>>>SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
>>>
>>>COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
>>>
>>>DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
>>>
>>>I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN
>>>
>>>WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
>>>
>>>OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
>>>
>>>DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN
>>>
>>>ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
>>>
>>>I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE
>>>
>>>HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
>>>
>>>DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES
>>>
>>>And last but not least:
>>>
>>>IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

 

[RHPConsult]

Very funny!  

Would be a bit more amusing if you had stripped the >>>>> before copying into TS

Not too complex a task!

[dakota]

Really, REALLY, don't know how!

[krissel]

Various programs allow you to "uncomment" email text.

I use CopyPaste for that task. You just highlight the items and when you copy you select the "uncomment" from the internet choices in the floating window and it copies the text to the clipboard with all the <<<'s stripped off.

[AmicusE]

Krissel: can you show a picture of what you're doing in CopyPaste, I can't see that option anywhere?

Thanks/æ  

[dakota]

Ditto.

[krissel]

Here you go...

After highlighting what you want to uncomment, go to the floating pop-open icon for CopyPaste and put the cursor over it. When it opens, down in the bottom strip you will see all the little icons for various chores. Click on the @ symbol and you will see the following choices, among them "Email uncomment" (see first image).

Choose it and the text will be copied to the clipboard without the <<<'s as you see in the second image. Then just paste where you wish.

CopyPaste Uncomment selection

Clear text on clipboard ready to paste

Alternatively you would have to go to Edit/CopyPaste Utilities/Internet/email uncomment from the menu bar. Of course you have to have selected in the CP prefs to have the utilities added to the end of the Edit menu in the first place.

This is in 9.1 where I do most of my work. I haven't checked the X version to see if it is in the same place (I'd have to dig out and set up my PB to check, maybe tmrw...or if someone else is running the X version of CopyPaste they can check it for me...   )

Hope this is clear.  

[dakota]

Okay - I'm lost!  I'm using Eudora, and there is a place to "unquote", but it doesn't work - it simply adds the word "snip".  I'm using Jaguar 10.2.6.

[krissel]

Are you running the X version of CopyPaste?

I just went to the software site to look around and I noticed on this page a comparison of the various flavors of the app.  It looks as though the X version may not have the ability to uncomment text. I will have to check tmrw when I set up my PB.

Scriptsoftware/CopyPaste

Quite frankly I like the old archive utility in the OS 9 version better than the method now used in the X version but that is off the subject...
 

[Highmac]

Off subject...? This started as a joke thread!  
To get back on topic.....
---------------------
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this
was it. God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street, she was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognise you."

-----------------------------
And if you like anagrams, you'll love these specially clever ones (and, no, I'm not claiming credit for them)

Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law =  Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms =            Alas! No More Z's
Semolina =                         Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls I Bet
A Decimal Point  = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it

Take particular note of the penultimate one - it's even more special, but I'm not saying what yet

[AmicusE]

Last word to Krissel:
-I can't seem to make copypaste work with the OSX.2.6 version and didn't realize you're talking about a version for OS9.
-if it helps the thread, consider my time spent on this thing a joke.
All the best/æ

[Gregg]

Another application that will do the "uncomment" trick is SpellTools. No joke!   I'm not sure if it was updated for OSX.

[weldiger]

No Joke
Have you tried?
1. copy - paste from email to word processor;
2. then use find to get >,
3. then replace with blank;
4. then click change all.

WordPerfect works best, but M$ Word, and AppleWorks.   Also works on Symantec GreatWorks.

HTH