Help!
I installed some Microsoft Updates I received in the mail, and now my system doesn't work properly.
First I got a "Microsoft Critical Update" message which had a patch for Windows XP, Internet Explorer and Outlook Express. I thought "great!" But when I installed the patch, my anti-virus program became disabled, and the system began to behave strangely.
The second message I got said that I might have been infected with a virus/worm and that I just received in the mail and that I needed to install another patch to remove it. But when I clicked on the executable attachment in the messages (just like Microsoft said that I was supposed to), my computer began sending messages to other people and monitoring the newsgroups. I didn't want it to do that an so I tried to shutdown, but it wouldn't let me!
The third message I received said that my system was probably infected by the previous two attachments I had just installed, and that the only way to clean my system was to reinstall Windows. In this message, Microsoft was even nice enough to attach a "Reinstall Helper." All I had to do was to get my Windows CDs and start the "Reinstall Helper" and the reinstallation would go twice as fast.
When I started the "Reinstall Helper," it told me to scratch onto the back of all of my Windows XP CD's this product code (using a sharp metal KEY): XP1032-BOGUS81. Then it told me to put the CD in and the reinstall would start automatically, but nothing happened!
Then the fourth message I got from the "Microsoft Update Center" told me that the previous three messages were totally bogus and that I had installed three of the worst viruses/worms in Internet history. They even called me a dumb-ass! A hand came out of the computer and slapped me in the face several time. They made me cry. Then they told me that the only way to remove the viruses was to download and execute the next message in my mailbox.
The fifth message I received said that it contained the "Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0." The message said that all I had to do was to install the cleaner, and all of the viruses I had downloaded would be erased. And so I double-clicked the attachment, and this is what I saw:
Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0.
Trojan
...activated
...accessing partition table
...cleaning...wiped
...accessing IDE track 0 startup-block
...low-level format done
...accessing CMOS data block
...clearing
...finished
ALL VIRUSES AND WORMS DELETED
press any key to not continue...
Now I can't start my computer. Can anyone help me!
(attributed to Gary Peterson who posted this in an Earthlink newsgroup)
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How to tell the sex of a fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
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>>
>>
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He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
