Author Topic: Thoughts  (Read 9789 times)

Offline jepinto

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« Reply #30 on: January 21, 2003, 07:44:00 PM »
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. " by Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. " Ernest Hemingway

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. " Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. " Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! " Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. " Dave Barry

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

And saving the best for last, As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers... One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
 
 [ 01-21-2003, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: jepinto ]
Do not fear your enemies.  The worse they can do is kill you.  Do not fear friends.  At worst, they may betray you.
Fear those who do not care; they neither kill nor betray, but betrayal and murder exist because of their silent consent.
~Bruno Jasienski~

Offline sandbox

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« Reply #31 on: January 22, 2003, 11:23:00 PM »
It hard finding clean joke....  

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is .. . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is .. . . having sex.

At age 35 success is .. . . having money.

At age 50 success is .. . . having money.

At age 60 success is .. . . having sex.

At age 70 success is .. . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is .. . . having friends.

At age 80 success is .. . . not peeing in your pants.

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #32 on: January 28, 2003, 11:40:00 PM »
I got this from my wife! I wonder if she thinks I have nothing better to do?!                

Feed the frog (click near its mouth).

Jim C.
I DREAM OF A SOCIETY
where a chicken can cross the road
without having its motives questioned.

Signals, holiday 2014

Offline neokm

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« Reply #33 on: January 29, 2003, 02:01:00 PM »
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
 
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

Offline sandbox

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« Reply #34 on: January 30, 2003, 03:57:00 PM »
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy,

I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly
kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians
and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......

I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they
let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at
150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the
storeroom door.

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #35 on: January 30, 2003, 07:12:00 PM »
Got this from a friend today and naturally thought of this thread...    

 . . ....WE MUST STOP THIS SINISTER PLOT!

Have you ever noticed that as the years go by, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper, groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was horrified to discover how long our street had become! I never noticed when I was younger that it's been changing!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also have a feeling that these people are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, something has been making people who used to be my own age so much older than I am.

I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ... and I noticed that even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Clothing manufacturers are part of the conspiracy too! Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

The people who make bathroom scales are in on it as well. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? Hah! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon *everyone* will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Jim C.
I DREAM OF A SOCIETY
where a chicken can cross the road
without having its motives questioned.

Signals, holiday 2014