Thoughts

[jepinto]

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."

[jepinto]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TECHNICAL GEEK WHEN ...

When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".

When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."

When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.

When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.

When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.

When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.

When you can do hexadecimal arithmetic in your head.

When your wife goes to the market for some McIntosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's Apple Macintosh."
 
 [ 01-14-2003, 07:38 AM: Message edited by: jepinto ]

[Vijay]

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

The first one is prostitution, IIRC. And yep, you are right.

[jepinto]

quote:Originally posted by Vijay:
[ IIRC.

http://tuxedo.org/jargon/

[Vijay]

I do know what IIRC means...

[jepinto]

quote:Originally posted by Vijay:
   

I do know what IIRC means...

I know you do, but I didn't!  And thought others might not...

[jepinto]

WHY?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask here the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your body? *Think about it, I cleaned up a word    *

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[sandbox]

>30 Years Makes a Difference:
>>
>
>
> 1972: Long hair
>
> 2002: Longing for hair
>
>
> 1972: The perfect high
>
> 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
>
>
> 1972: KEG
>
> 2002: EKG
>
>
> 1972: Acid rock
>
> 2002: Acid reflux
>
>
> 1972: Moving to California because it's cool
>
> 2002: Moving to California because it's warm
>
>
> 1972: Growing pot
>
> 2002: Growing pot belly
>
>
> 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
> 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
>
> 1972: Seeds and stems
>
> 2002: Roughage
>
>
> 1972: Killer weed
>
> 2002: Weed killer
>
>
> 1972: Hoping for a BMW
>
> 2002: Hoping for a BM
>
>
> 1972: The Grateful Dead
>
> 2002: Dr. Kevorkian
>
>
> 1972: Going to a new, hip joint
>
> 2002: Receiving a new hip joint
>
>
> 1972: Rolling Stones
>
> 2002: Kidney Stones
>
>
> 1972: Being called into the principal's office
>
> 2002: Calling the principal's office
>
>
> 1972: Screw the system
>
> 2002: Upgrade the system
>
>
> 1972: Disco
>
> 2002: Costco
>
>
> 1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
>
> 2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
>
>
> 1972: Passing the drivers' test
>
> 2002: Passing the vision test
>
>
> 1972: Whatever
>
> 2002: Depends
>

[Gregg]

quote:Originally posted by jepinto:

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

No. It just gives you something to do while waiting.

[jepinto]

10 Things Mom Would Never Say

10. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

9. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

8. "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"

7. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

6. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

5. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

4. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

3. "I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve"

2. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

1. "You go right upstairs and get started on those video games!"

[krissel]

quote: Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

I may be the only person on earth who likes burnt toast. Have to unplug the smoke alarm whenever I make it.    

 

quote: Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Tells you something about your breath, huh? And to just think where a dog often puts its nose...

[jepinto]

Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this.   A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.

One child wrote the following:

We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa.   They used to live here in a big, brick house, bu Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.   And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.

When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

[sandbox]

For every function, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have.

To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

Orginality is the art of concealing your source.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

I post therefore I am.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Your computer may beat you in chess, but never in kickboxing!

This webpage has been brought to you by the number 1 and the number 0

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[Reiddm]

And my 2 cents worth!

Kentucky hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army and on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb.
The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off.
On the third day the Army gave him a tooth brush.
On the next day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.
On the fifth day he was given a jock strap...that afternoon Herman went AWOL.

[Highmac]

Hey Sandbox:
Outside computers it's 'he who laughs last has just thought of the dirty meaning....'