OT. Some good ones

[jb]

*Break Into the House*

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"

***********

*Lost Wife*

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

***********

*Teacher*

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

***********

*Hearing*

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

***********

*Wedding*

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a  moment,then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

***********

*Dream*

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The meaning of Dreams".

***********

[dolphin]

Italian Tomato Garden
 
An Old Italian man lived alone in Italy   He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
   I am feeling pretty down because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were not in prison my troubles would be over.  I know you would dig the plot for me and I would have fresh vegetables to eat.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
   Please, please don't dig up that garden.  That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinny

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the garden now.   That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinny