We need some Humor!!!

[Xairbusdriver]

What's for dinner?

[krissel]

 

[jchuzi]

How to wash a cat

   • Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
   • Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
   • In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
   • At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is probably enjoying this!
   • Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power Wash' and 'Rinse'.
   • Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the front door.
   • Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
   • The cat will rocket out of the lid, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
   • Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

You’re welcome!
Sincerely,
The Dog

[jchuzi]

I couldn't afford an ancestry DNA kit so I announced that I had won the lottery and I found out who my relatives are.

[jchuzi]

The English language is weird, and I've spent most of my life trying to figure it out! 

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, dog trainers debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
17. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
18. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
20. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that fifth one ENJOYS it?

[krissel]

Thank you, Jon.  I needed that. 

[jchuzi]

Laws they never taught you in school but discovered by Murphy.

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath   - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.