An Ode to Customer Service
by Jim Sterne
I have a little problem,
So I call you on the phone
I'm given numbered options -
To punch them each by tone.
After hitting number 7,
Then 2, 8, 6 and pound
A short recording tells me that
No operators can be found.
They're busy helping others
And would I hold this once?
Because my call is SO important.
What am I? A dunce?
My call's not so important
That I'll spend an hour on hold,
While my shoulder aches, my patience bakes
And my coffee grows green mold.
Nothing your recording says
Can cause me to believe
That my call will be taken
In the order it was received.
So down I put the telephone
And up I pick the modem
To find solutions on your site,
And once found, download 'em.
I calmly wait while DNS
Looks up your URL
Until your server answers
Your home page front door bell.
I wait for frames to paint themselves,
My solution to begin.
And then I wait for plug-ins
So I can see your logo spin.
I wait to get an audio file -
Greetings from your CEO
He doesn't get the Internet,
But he loves the radio.
I wait until a picture
Of your building’s on my screen
And I realize there are things
That should not be heard, nor seen.
Finally, there's a menu
And I poise my mouse to click...
But first, a Java applet!
"Starting Java." I know that won't be quick.
The menu choices indicate you
Know yourselves full well.
You know all about your company
And that's what you want to tell.
But where's the button I can push,
That takes me to the page
That solves my problem?
Feels my pain? And soothes my mounting rage?
There, in the lower corner,
Down by the copyright
There's a little tiny icon
That looks as if it might
Be a link to customer service.
My troubles soon will quit!
I click upon it and I get
... a 404... Oh.......sugar.
And when I finally reach
That page that promises relief.
I'm staring at a document
That's far beyond belief.
For where there should be answers to frequently asked questions
And online help and knowledge-bases, is naught but indigestion.
For there in type italics, underlined and bold
Is the number for your help desk phone.
I should have stayed on hold.
[Jim Sterne is an international consultant and author of four books on using the Internet for advertising, marketing and customer service. http:// a.targeting.com]
Received from PackyHumor.
