Author Topic: Thoughts  (Read 18584 times)

Offline Bbob

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« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2003, 12:44:00 PM »
I learned this from observing birds (and humans) and have tried to live by it for most of my life:

"Don't crap in your nest."

Bbob with a Cube

Offline Bobun

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« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2003, 04:44:00 PM »
Getting back to the subject of burnt toast, there is one
other, besides krissel, that often has to depress the lever
in order to darken the toast just a tad more. MMM could
we are related? That's for sure. Why not have a toast poll?

Offline DaveF

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« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2003, 05:18:00 PM »
Just ran across this bit of computer humor.  Even worth a re-read by those who previously chuckled at this classic.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
 
   
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
 
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
 
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
 
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.  For some reason you would simply accept this.
 
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
 
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
 
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
 
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
 
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
 
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
 
10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Dave

Offline weldiger

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« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2003, 07:46:00 PM »
I don't rite thes thangs, I jest passes 'em on.

Brains For Sale
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope."
"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the female brains,

because they've actually been used."

[ah sed  ah don't rite em       ]
Shalom
weldiger

Offline marie

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« Reply #19 on: January 17, 2003, 09:06:00 PM »
EVER WONDER

why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions:
Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & SpencerBreadPudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."    
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company.
I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2003, 02:50:00 AM »
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

I. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the lamp-post.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...  I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

20. Funny, I don't remember being... absent-minded...

Now I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10, oh send it to a bunch of your friends -- if you can remember who they are.

Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your memory back.
Neil
MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #21 on: January 18, 2003, 02:56:00 AM »
Why is it, when you are winding through a VCR tape and stop to check where you are, it always stops on the commercials....?

Why  is it, when you are ironing, it is so easy to iron a crease IN accidentally, and almost impossible to iron it OUT again....?
Neil
MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Offline jepinto

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« Reply #22 on: January 18, 2003, 06:09:00 AM »
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the answer.  The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified; she was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.  And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice...

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her  own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is:

If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!
Do not fear your enemies.  The worse they can do is kill you.  Do not fear friends.  At worst, they may betray you.
Fear those who do not care; they neither kill nor betray, but betrayal and murder exist because of their silent consent.
~Bruno Jasienski~

Offline brensun

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« Reply #23 on: January 18, 2003, 05:33:00 PM »
Jen i might be out of my league and can,t spell but are you still living in the 60,s & triping? Or do you need a girls night oot?brenda

Offline neokm

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« Reply #24 on: January 18, 2003, 06:32:00 PM »
The American Medical Association declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures MUST be more fully considered.

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra - than was spent on Alzheimer's Disease Research.

The AMA now projects that by the year 2015 there will be fifty-million Americans wandering around with huge breasts and large erections - and - who can't remember what to do with them.

_______

Editor's Note - Did you guys 'forget" to reply ??? You realize now that you guys and gals are part of the AMA projected 15 million???
 
 [ 01-19-2003, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: neokm ]

Offline dolphin

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« Reply #25 on: January 18, 2003, 09:24:00 PM »
Krissel said:  
quote:
I may be the only person on earth who likes burnt toast. Have to unplug the smoke alarm whenever I make it.  
 

My ex-wife loves burnt hot dogs...YUCK!!! Always tried to get me to eat them. NO WAY!
 
 [ 01-18-2003, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: dolphin ]
"If it aint broke; don't fixit"
Roy

Offline neokm

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« Reply #26 on: January 19, 2003, 12:50:00 PM »
Editor's reply:
O-o-p-p's, I think "I forgot" the correct number is 50 million.

Offline jepinto

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« Reply #27 on: January 19, 2003, 01:30:00 PM »
quote:
Originally posted by brensun:
Jen i might be out of my league and can,t spell but are you still living in the 60,s

Yep
quote:
& triping?
Maybe
quote:
Or do you need a girls night oot?brenda
DEFINITELY!!!!!
Wanna go bowling?  Stay and not come home until the next day?  Pack the cooler?  you know what beer I like  Call the troops!  I'm ready!
Do not fear your enemies.  The worse they can do is kill you.  Do not fear friends.  At worst, they may betray you.
Fear those who do not care; they neither kill nor betray, but betrayal and murder exist because of their silent consent.
~Bruno Jasienski~

Offline krissel

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« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2003, 11:15:00 PM »
quote:
Originally posted by dolphin:
My ex-wife loves burnt hot dogs...YUCK!!! Always tried to get me to eat them. NO WAY!

Oh, Roy, I guess I'm sinking farther down your list.... I don't eat red meat anymore but I hated boiled hot dogs, only liked them crispy black off the grill.


A Techsurvivors founder

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« Reply #29 on: January 20, 2003, 05:06:00 PM »
Very good, however, if things in life were simple (which they are) unlike 17 police cars that need to go to a small crash site involving 2 cars and no casualties, no injuries.    

I often thought since all the officers are at the 2 car collision, gee, all the other criminals can go and commit their crimes.

Politicians make promises to the people to get the vote, but none of them ever keep the empty promises they offered to the voter in the first place, but the voters time after time keep falling for the same sales pitch from the politicians.

Then we ask why the ones that didn't win, lost by a big margin.

Why do people act a certain way and why do they do things that just don't make since?

We all at one time have asked ourselves that question, and never really found the answer to it.

It's called simplicity, don't fix anything if it's not broken, and if it's broken don't fix it...

Get a new one!