We need some Humor!!!

[dolphin]

A little  boy was attending his first wedding. ?After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen,"  the boy responded.
His  cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. ?"How do you know  that?"
"Easy,"  the little boy said. ?"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop  said,
4  better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


??'???o  ,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,o???'???o???'?


After a  church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."  
"That's  okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well,"  said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I  figure it will be more fun to stand up and talk, than to sit and listen."  


'???o,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,o???'???o?  


A  6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service,  "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash  against us."


'???o,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,  o???'???o?


A boy  was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do  you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why,  God tells me."
"Oh,  then why do you keep crossing things out?"


'???o,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,o???'???o  


A little  girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. ?Finally,  she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the  money now, will he let us go?"


'???o,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,o???'???o??  


Terri  asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible  stories. ?She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which showed four people on an  airplane. ?So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.  
"The  Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing  at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby  Jesus. ?But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh,  that's Pontius - the pilot!"


??'???o,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,o???'??  



This is  the best one.

A little  girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.  
From  time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch  his wrinkled cheek. ?She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his  again.

Finally  she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes,  sweetheart," he answered. ?"God made me a long time ago."
"Oh,"  she paused. ?"Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes,  indeed, honey," he said. ?"God made you just a little while ago."  
Feeling  their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it,  isn't he."

[Gregg]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.  When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
 

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail then." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[Xairbusdriver]

Here's something my youngest son said reminded him of me:

<http://xkcd.com/c281.html>

It reminded me that I need a faster Mac to allow faster 'refreshes'!

[Texas Mac Man]

The Ball Game

Cheers, Tom

[RHPConsult]

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

[dolphin]

"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

There are only 5 questions, so don't get all excited and confused yet.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces between the question and answers below are there so you don't see the correct answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



 

1. What do you put in a toaster?













Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," maybe you should give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?











Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," maybe you shouldn't even attempt to answer the next question. Your brain is apparently over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?













Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall , Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?














Answer: You don't bury survivors.





If you said ANYTHING else, you're in real bad shape and for your own sake you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.





5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?














Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!





Don't you remember your own name? Or have you forgotten it was YOU driving the BUS!!

[Gregg]

Good one Roy.

I didn't miss any

[dolphin]

Wife: "What are you doing?"
   Husband : Nothing.
   Wife : "Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
   Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
   Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
   Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
   Wife : "Yes and no."

--------------------------------------------------------------------
   Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
   Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
   Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
   Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
   Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
   Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________
   A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
   "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
---------- ----------------------------------------------------------
   Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
   Son: "My friend just borrowed it.  He wants to scare his parents."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
   Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
   The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
   A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
   He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."<

[Texas Mac Man]

Honorary Texan

Turn on your speakers.

Craig Ferguson (Late night TV talk show host) is trying to become an
honorary citizen of every state in the Union because his application with
the INS is taking so long.

And apparently, someone in Texas Gov. Rick Perry's office has a sense of humor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70vwzqUgrbk

[jepinto]

What Made  Me Me

Long ago  and far away,
In a land that  time forgot,
Before the days  of Dylan,
Or the dawn of  Camelot.
There  lived a race of innocents,
And they were you and  me,
Long  ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me  Me.

Oh,  there was truth and goodness
In that land where we  were born,
Where navels were for  oranges,
And  Peyton Place was  porn.
For  Ike was in the White  House,
And Hoss was on  TV,
And God was in His  heaven
In  the Land That Made Me Me.

We learned to gut a  muffler,
We washed our hair  at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In  circles on the lawn.
And  they could hear us coming
All the way to Tennessee,
All  starched and sprayed and rumbling
in the Land That Made  Me Me.

We  longed  for love and romance,
And waited for the  prince,
And Eddie  Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen  him since.
We  danced  to "Little Darlin'",
And Sang to "Stagger  Lee"
And  cried for Buddy  Holly
In the Land That Made  Me Me.

Only girls wore earrings  then,
And  three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top  cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.
And  only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to  see
A  boy named George, with Lipstick
In the Land That Made  Me Me.

We  fell for Frankie  Avalon,
Annette was oh, so  nice,
And when they made a  movie,
They never made it twice.
We  didn't have a Star  Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two and  Three,
Or  Rockey-Rambo Twenty
In the Land That Made  Me Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of  gold,
And  Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a  Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.
We had  a Mr.Wizard,
But not a  Mr.T,
And  Oprah couldn't talk, yet
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We  had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd  go,
At  least not Bobby  Darin,
Or Marilyn  Monroe.
For  youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to  be,
And Elvis was  forever,
In the Land That Made  Me Me.

We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And  Zeppelins weren't Led.
And Beatles  lived in gardens then,
And Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a  virgin
In  the Land That Made Me Me.

We'd   never heard of microwaves,
Or telephones  in cars,
And babies might be  bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in  jars.
And pumping  iron got wrinkles out,
And  "gay"  meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never  coed
In  the Land That Made Me Me.

We  hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the  lag,
And microchips were what was left  at
The  bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of  nails,
And  bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were  fiction
In  the Land That Made Me Me.

Buicks came  with portholes,
And side show came  with freaks,
And bathing suits came big  enough
To cover both your cheeks.
And  Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the   knee,
And  Castro came to power
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride,
We had no Hill Street  Blues,
We all wore superstructure  bras
Designed by Howard  Hughes.
We had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal  tea
Or  prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land That Made Me  Me.

There were no golden  arches,
No  Perriers to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,
And  cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged  was thirty-five
And old was forty-three,
And ancient was our  parents
In  the Land That Made Me Me.

But  all things have a season,
Or so we've heard  them say,
And now instead of  Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.
And  they send us invitations
To join  AARP,
We've come a long way,  baby,
From  the Land That Made Me Me.

So now  we face a brave new world
In slightly larger  jeans,
And  wonder why they're using
Smaller print  in magazines.
And we tell our children's  children
of the way it used  to be,
Long ago, and far  away
In  the Land That Made Me Me.
--Author  unknown

[Highmac]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, "OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes.  So you can forget about getting three wishes.  You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile.  Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.   Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!  Think of the logistics of that!   How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete... how much steel...!  No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish.  Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times.  My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.  So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying...
know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'... know how to make them truly happy...."














"You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[sandyman]

Do NOT visit if you are easily offended

In the UK this would be classed as NSFW,  "Not Suitable For Work", but would still probably get a mention on post watershed humourous (humorous ) TV shows

The Register


Look for the article which says "Warning: no IT angle"

Be sure to read the follow up comments as well

Sandy

[Highmac]

QUOTE(sandyman @ Jul 6 2007, 11:52 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

humourous (humorous )

Sandy

Pedant alert: UK spellings - humour, humorous; US spellings - humor, humorous. But if you fancy joining a lengthy debate on spellings, check out this interesting Wikipedia page. If it was possible to come to blows over the internet I think some of this lot would have

Incidentally, I think it was Marie Antoinette who said "The pedants are revolting..."

[Highmac]

Found this when I was clearing out some old emails.....
-----------------------------------------------------------

NEW VIRUS...

Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "C-Nile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1955

Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
---------------------------------------------------------
Remember??
I don't remember if I sent this one out......... I don't think I did... or did you send it to me??
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
---------------------------------------------------------
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being. . . . . absent minded...
---------------------------------------------------------
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh heck!, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think.... Or just make them laugh if they remember how......

[kimmer]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.


I don't buy toilet paper there any more.