We need some Humor!!!

[RNKIII]

One day my mother was out, and
my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone
had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite
toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed
in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was
just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy
tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living
room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!'  Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with
a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother
would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can
reach to get water, is the toilet?".


Bob K.  Rnkiii

[jchuzi]

Two Irish nuns decide to visit New York. They had never been to the US before and were understandably eager to see the sights. As they were walking, one said to the other, "I have heard that people in the US eat dogs." The other nun was skeptical, of course.

They came upon a street vendor with a sign that said "Hot Dogs". Naturally, they were curious and decided to sample the local cuisine. Both looked at their hot dog with some dismay and finally, one asked, "Which part did you get?"

[kimmer]

Our dog, Mr. Hoover, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, I searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal.  For three days I found nothing amiss. Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking. When I looked out the window, I discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Mr. Hoover. I hurried outside and found the culprit. Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing. I demanded to know what he was doing.
 
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she'll leave."

[Highmac]

Other Half, whose husband uses an aid in each ear, says she relates 100 per cent to this one.....

QUOTE

Doctor, I think I'm going deaf

What are the symptoms?

What's that got to do with anything? An American cartoon family...

[kimmer]

Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the zoo one day for an outing.

They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said,

"Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

[kimmer]

Don't we have any humor in our souls around here? This thread hasn’t been touched in over 2 months!    Here's my current contribution ...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-


 A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive"

[jchuzi]

On the same theme:

Three elderly British women are riding in the same train compartment. The train slows as it approaches a station and the first says:

"Is this Wembley?"

The second replies, "No, it's Thursday."

The third then declares, "So am I. Let's go to a pub!"

[Xairbusdriver]

QUOTE

Don't we have any humor in our souls around here?

BAH! Humbug!!! For laughs lately, I watch the House of Representatives, the Senate, and most of the Republicans running for President. But I must admit, I usually end up crying...

"Never have so many taken so long to do so little." And that includes the Memphis City Schools Board! A few months ago they 'surrendered' their charter and claimed the county would have to take over operations. Yet they still meet and accept money for "working." On the other hand, they did reduce their catering budget to $16,000 a year (from the original $25,000). Apparently, they all feared dying of starvation without a paid meal every week? I suspect that they actually feared someone trying to put a 'brown bag' over their head should one of them bring their own food...

[Highmac]

A neighbour told me she phoned a colleague on his mobile number a couple of weeks ago and got: "I'm not available at present. Leave a message and the News of the World will get back to you".

[Highmac]

I had a dog once but he was so stupid I had to get rid of him. He got a flat head through chasing parked cars.

Courtesy Keith Moon when he sat in for DJ John Peel in 1973

[sandyman]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a baker comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The baker was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week..' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut!!

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES
NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[Xairbusdriver]

OK, I demand sandyman's post be removed! It's too literally true and is in no way humorous/humourus!!!    

Reminds me of the saying that there are two places one should never go: A sausage factory and Congress/Parliament/politicians office!

[Jack W]

I disagree with Jim, it was VERY humerous!!!

Just kidding Jim !

But I did like it.

[jchuzi]

The late Harry Truman, after he left the White House, said that he had been undecided between pursuing a career in politics or becoming a piano player in a house of ill repute. He quipped that there wasn't much difference.

[Texas Mac Man]

Saw this in a magazine - It's funny

Oh, Sweet Justice! - A Facebook mom teaches her son a valuable lesson:

Hi, this is XXX's mom. I wanted to let all of you know that he is no longer allowed on Facebook because of choices he made today. He posted on Facebook personal information about someone that, regardless if it were true or not, was rude. Because he chose to try and make her mad by spreading personal information, I thought he should know how it feels when the tables are turned. He wet the bed until he was eight.