We need some Humor!!!

[jchuzi]

How to Show Off to Your Neighbors:

With today's situation a new car, a perfect lawn or garden, a new in-ground pool just doesn't have the impact of being "one up" on the neighbors.

Therefore, to make an impact that's sure raise your social standing, just put a couple of rolls of toilet paper in the window - more rolls means more respect and a higher social standing!

However if your neighbors are up to the challenge, and have matched you roll for roll, placing a bottle or two of hand sanitizer in your window is sure to show them who's the boss - especially if its Purell and not some store brand!

Be careful to make sure your home is secure first as you could be inviting trouble!

[Xairbusdriver]

If you've flown commercially in the last ten years, you'll appreciate this. If you flew in the '60's, '70's, 80's or '90's, you have already see loading flights this way!!

...but remember, they still have to let 1st class, premier, super premier, super duper premier, super duper premier plus, super premier plus gold, silver, and bronze, active military (I support this one), people named Fred who look important, people who need extra time, people travelling[sic] with people who need extra time, families, people travelling[sic] with families, people who wished they had families, people with a lot of miles, people with less miles but spend a lot, people who don't have many miles, don't spend a lot, don't fly a lot, but paid the fee to get on early.....and then we will board from the back of the plane forward....oh wait, everyone's on....now if we can only get those over-sized carry-ons into the overhead bins...but wait...they can be checked in for free at the gate...bahaha to the fools who checked them curbside and paid for the service....you can't even get on early....but that's another post

[jchuzi]

This video will tickle anyone who has been irritated with airlines: Cheap Flights

[Highmac]

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE.


Also, I don't care if jokes are repeated   

[jchuzi]

Are my testicles black?
 
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful.  Now listen very, very, closely:
 
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Xairbusdriver]

From a couple of quarantine cartoons:

Turns out my top 3 hobbies are:
1. Eating at restaurants
2. Going to non-essential businesses
3. Touching my face

Quarantine Day 20:
Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

[jchuzi]

I received the same cartoons. These COVID cartoons have gone viral! 

[jchuzi]

Despite the enforced isolation, my wife truly loves me. She will go to any lengths to protect me from corona virus. Just this morning, when I woke up, she was holding a pillow tightly over my face.

[jchuzi]

Despite the fact that the price of oil has tanked, I will be switching to coal to heat my home. There's no fuel like an old fuel...

[jchuzi]

Pregnancy Q & A &  more!

 Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
 A: No, 35 children is enough.

 Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
 A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

 Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
 A: Childbirth.

 Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's  borderline irrational.
 A: So what's your question?

 Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,  but pressure. Is she right?
 A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air  current.

 Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
 A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

 Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife  is in labor?
 A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

 Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from  childbirth?
 A: Yes, pregnancy.

 Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
 A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

 Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act  normal again?
 A: When the kids are in college.

[Highmac]

Despite the enforced isolation, my wife truly loves me. She will go to any lengths to protect me from corona virus. Just this morning, when I woke up, she was holding a pillow tightly over my face.

I see three possibilities:

1) You are not married
2) You are married but your wife does not know where you post
3) You are married and have a very strong password for your browser.

Alternative suggestions from other posters most welcome     

[jchuzi]

I have been married for 52 years. When I told my wife that I sometimes feel like a perfect idiot, she replied "Nobody's perfect."

[Xairbusdriver]

Great to know we might have church this weekend... well 25% of us, anyway. I'm hoping to be one of the "Gate Keepers". I'm looking forward to making some very cantankerous, trouble-making members sit in their cars! But the request to wear face coverings has been widely accepted by most Baptists around here. "We get to completely cover our face when going to a liquor store? I'm all over that!!"

[jchuzi]

Speaking of a religious angle, there's a standing joke among Jews that shrimp is not kosher unless it's eaten in a Chinese restaurant. And, you can always tell if you are in a Jewish neighborhood because there are a lot of Chinese restaurants.

[Highmac]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike, when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"


The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic, who straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.

"I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get $1.5 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.....


"Try doing it with the engine running."