We need some Humor!!!

[krissel]

Seasonal humor:


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."


--------------

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

[Xairbusdriver]

This is the longest I've ever watched The Simpsons. The satire is not bad! <TS Mapple>

Do you think we should demand payments for using our copyrighted moniker?!

[jwboyd]

Hey, gunug, I think you may have seen this before, but I thought about you when I read this today:

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

--Sharron Jones, quoted by Dave Aufrance in his Monday Fodder blog

[Texas Mac Man]

A 75-year old man enters a confessional and says to the priest, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I’m seeing four 20-year old girls at the same time.”

The priest asks, “How long has it been since your last confession?”

“I’ve never been to confession – I’m Jewish.”

“So why are you telling me?”

“Telling you?” the old man says, “I’m telling everybody.”

[Texas Mac Man]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[kbeartx]

The Importance of Exercise as we Age

 Walking can add minutes to your life.
   This enables you at 85 years old
   to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
   home at $7000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking
    five miles a day when he was 60..
    Now he's 97 years old
    and we don't know where he is.

    I like long walks,
    especially when they are taken
    by people who annoy me.                                  

    The only reason I would take up walking
    is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

    I have to walk early in the morning,
    before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

    I joined a health club last year,
    spent about 400 bucks.
    Haven't lost a pound.
    Apparently you have to go there.

    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    I do have flabby thighs,
    but fortunately my stomach covers them.

    The advantage of exercising every day
    is so when you die, they'll say,
    'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    start with a small country.

    I know I got a lot of exercise
    the last few years,......
    just getting over the hill.

   We all get heavier as we get older,
    because there's a lot more information in our heads.
    That's my story and I 'm sticking to it.

    Every time I start thinking too much
    about how I look,
    I just find a Happy Hour
    and by the time I leave,
    I look just fine.

KB

[sandyman]

Lessons Learned From Films

Some of these are possibly known to you already

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Radiation cause interesting mutations--not to your future children, but to you, right then and there.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all police investigations. it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Most dogs are immortal.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

Kitchens don't have light switches.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:  Enter Password Now.

Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Sandy

[kimmer]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.  She asked, What's on TV?  I said, Dust.

And then the fight started...

========

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.  She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 Seconds.'  I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

=======

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

=======

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.  I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

=======

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.  My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.  ''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

=======

I rear-ended a car this morning.  So, there we were alongside the road And slowly the other driver got out of his car.  You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?  Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!  He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'  So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[krissel]

My favorite peeve:

QUOTE

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

[Jack W]

QUOTE(krissel @ Dec 17 2008, 04:18 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My favorite peeve:

QUOTE

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

While talking on your cell phone!

[kimmer]

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.

"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all...

Hawk, lion, and stinker.

[Xairbusdriver]

[sandyman]

Music Industry Unveils New Piracy-Proof Format: A Black, Plastic Disc With Grooves On It
 
New Format for Music

OK, I know that there are USB Turntables, but it's still quite humorous

Sandy

[Xairbusdriver]

Typical. The solution has already been invented! I know, I know, it was only a joke but so true to form... They should be looking for ways to enhance their products and make people want to buy them! I heard one chap ask why the record company's and the movie studios get together and sell records, especially the 'sound track' kind inside the theater? Get the customers while their hot! Of course, they may also be broke after paying for the movie...

[krissel]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "...the...balcony..."