We need some Humor!!!

[Texas Mac Man]

A Poem For Golfers

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I 've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par
If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow
But The Ball Knows .... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid....

[jchuzi]

And now, finally, the answer to the most-asked question: What is the meaning of life?

A man hears that a certain guru, located in Tibet, knows the answer. He sells all his possessions, travels for a year and half, endures unspeakable hardships, and locates the wise man at last. Here is the conversation:

"What, O Master, is the meaning of life?"
"My son, the answer is The Hokey Pokey."
"The Hokey Pokey?!!!" (aghast)
"That's what it's all about."

[george]

Todays quickest means of communication,






Telephone










Television

















Tell a woman.




Ain't that the truth!

[Xairbusdriver]

Not original to me, of course, but I've known many of these truths way too late!

QUOTE

****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ******

 1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
But I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

[Texas Mac Man]

QUOTE

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 How to fold a fitted sheet.

[Xairbusdriver]

Yeah, even I knew that "dance." But we don't have either a fireplace or that nice big (dinning room?) table in any of our bedrooms!

And she made at least one false claim: She said folding instead of wadding would "double the available storage space in a closet." That is blatantly untrue! We only have one fitted sheet in a couple of closets and even when I used the trash compactor to mash the correctly folded sheet, there was little more than 10 cubic inches more storage space in either of this closets. However, when I used the compactor on all the other items in the closet, it did drastically increase the unused space in the closet! But, even then, the actual space in the closet did not increase! I get so tired of people believing everything they see on the interwebs!!!

Secondly, every mattress I've ever bought has come with a 'fitted' plastic covering. Why cover that up with a sheet?! Just another example of women trying to 'fix' what isn't broke!!! I'll have to admit, of course, that it is hard to find mattresses along the roadside that still have those 'fitted' plastic coverings... I guess you just get what you pay for.

[Xairbusdriver]

Received from a friend (and I'm hoping he is enjoying his perfect doghouse!):

<A Story of a Perfect Couple?>

[Xairbusdriver]

QUOTE("A. Nony Mus")

Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!"



Sven and Ole are currently serving in the United States Senate.

[jchuzi]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

 'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
 'It's not polite.'

 'OK', the little girl says,
 'How much do you weigh'

 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really
 none of your business.'

 Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

 The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

 'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
 It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

 Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you
 are. You are 32.'

 The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

 The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

 'Because you got an F in sex.'

[Xairbusdriver]

QUOTE("forwarded email")

Pastor Ole of the North Minnesota Community church was asked to help out the county road department, since there was a terrible ice storm and they were short of workers.

He and Deacon Sven were out next to the road at the church sign which read "The end is near !"

A car sped by on the icy road and a loud crash was heard over the hill.

Deacon Sven said to Pastor Ole, "See?  I vas telling you dat 'BRIDGE IS OUT' vas better dan 'The end is near !'"

[kimmer]

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

[Xairbusdriver]

...and that would make the kangaroo hopping mad, I suppose?

[Xairbusdriver]

Two women meet in heaven (not):

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Texas Mac Man]

PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is

surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

And mine is.........

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Highmac]

Couldn't agree more with No 21

If at first you don't succeed.... you're running about average.

If at first you don't succeed.... don't take up skydiving.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.