Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468116 times)

Offline jchuzi

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We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #795 on: January 27, 2012, 05:32:03 AM »
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom; otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies "Roughly a gallon."
Jon

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Offline Texas Mac Man

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We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #796 on: January 28, 2012, 08:57:00 PM »
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance,

 "you can't come in here without a Thai."   whistling.gif
Cheers, Tom

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Offline Jack W

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« Reply #797 on: February 08, 2012, 12:43:09 PM »
Some church humor (the difference proofreading can make!):

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2012, 12:45:08 PM by Jack W »
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Offline Jack W

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« Reply #798 on: February 12, 2012, 06:09:51 PM »
Some computer humer from a friend of mine:
[attachment=2477:ATT1.jpg][attachment=2478:ATT2.jpg][attachment=2479:ATT3.jpg]
[attachment=2480:ATT4.jpg][attachment=2481:ATT5.jpg][attachment=2482:ATT6.jpg]

Wait, there's more:
[attachment=2483:ATT7.jpg][attachment=2484:ATT8.jpg][attachment=2487:ATT9.jpg]
[attachment=2486:ATTA.jpg]
« Last Edit: February 12, 2012, 06:12:40 PM by Jack W »
Good to be Here.

My Macs: 2010 27" alum iMac 2.8GHz, Snow Leopard 10.6.8/Mavericks 10.9.5, 4GB SDRAM (Workhorse),
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Time Machine external drive - ditto above - 1/2 TimeMac

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #799 on: February 12, 2012, 10:59:30 PM »
eek2.gif It appears your uploading caused the forum software to crash and it uploaded one image twice!!!

I gotta forward a couple of those to some PC 'friends!'
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Jack W

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« Reply #800 on: February 13, 2012, 08:24:46 AM »
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Feb 12 2012, 11:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
eek2.gif It appears your uploading caused the forum software to crash and it uploaded one image twice!!!

I gotta forward a couple of those to some PC 'friends!'

Jim,
That's totally weird. When I tried to edit the post to delete the duplicate,
it DOESN'T show up.

WEIRD

Maybe the forum software did CRASH.

Thanks for the heads-up.
Good to be Here.

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #801 on: February 13, 2012, 08:48:20 AM »
QUOTE
That's totally weird. When I tried to edit the post to delete the duplicate,
it DOESN'T show up.
I think that's the infamous image insertion hiding just below the edit window problem... :thinking
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #802 on: February 14, 2012, 03:20:34 PM »
Important and useful info for you hunters:
QUOTE
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The best answer:

[attachment=2494:pistol.gif]

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it in my pocket.
 
Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion, or family because if something happens there is someone to go get help.
 
I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today.
 
Just one shot to my girlfriend’s knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my collection...
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #803 on: February 23, 2012, 06:44:52 PM »
The Diet

A gentleman was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
 
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
 
When the man returned to the doctors office, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 40lbs!
 
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The gentleman guy nodded.

'I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on that 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from all that skipping.'

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #804 on: February 23, 2012, 07:37:23 PM »
I'll try that skipping thing when your cake arrives! tongue.gif

The only thing 'funny' around here is the weather! It reached ~75°F today. Tomorrow night the low is forecast to be 32°F Who's in charge of this, anyway?! It's not supposed to be that warm in February!!! rant.gif Actually a new record high was set: 79°F! whew.gif
« Last Edit: February 24, 2012, 12:19:29 PM by Xairbusdriver »
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Jack W

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« Reply #805 on: February 27, 2012, 10:21:42 AM »
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD...

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS MARY, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALDING,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SOB

ASKED,






"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"  
« Last Edit: February 27, 2012, 10:22:59 AM by Jack W »
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Offline kimmer

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« Reply #806 on: February 28, 2012, 01:40:40 PM »
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.

They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire  department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these older-but-wiser firefighters, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Vell,' said the 70-year-old fire chief, '.....da furst ting vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck.'

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #807 on: February 29, 2012, 01:46:52 PM »
From an email I got today:
QUOTE
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #808 on: March 09, 2012, 09:08:34 AM »
This will be appreciated by anyone who has phoned for tech support and had to talk with someone in India whose thick accent was difficult or impossible to understand.

Dell Computer advertised for a tech support person and a man showed up for an interview. He said, "I am Mujibar and I am here for the job interview".

The interviewer replied, "Very well. We must be sure that you can speak English correctly. Please say something using the words GREEN, PINK, and YELLOW."

The man said, "The telephone go GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, I PINK  it up, and I say YELLOW, this is Mujibar. How may I help you?"

He was hired immediately. (In fact, I think that I talked to that guy once.)
« Last Edit: March 09, 2012, 09:08:57 AM by jchuzi »
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #809 on: March 09, 2012, 11:53:51 AM »
I was at a costume party recently. One of my friends entered the room with his girl-friend hanging on his back. Other than that, he had nothing different as far as clothes; no mask, no wig, not even a hat, just regular street clothes!

"Jon," I said, "did you forget this is supposed to be a costume party?"

"Why, no! Can't you see I'm wearing a costume?"

"Well, not really, all I see is that your girl-friend is hanging on your back! What are you supposed to be dressed as?"

"Don't you know who that is on my back? It's Michele! I'm dressed as a snail!" Groaner.gif

Can't take credit/blame for this one. Heard it last weekend on the Annual Joke Show on Prairie Home Companion.
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes: