Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468119 times)

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #810 on: March 15, 2012, 09:27:49 PM »
Subject: Marriage Counseling:

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, and painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #811 on: March 22, 2012, 02:42:02 PM »
I don't know many people who can get a laugh out of talking about taxes. But I actually laughed out loud when I heard this story this morning on Morning Edition. You may learn something, as it is a news story, but I hope you also get at least a grin, also.
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Jack W

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« Reply #812 on: April 09, 2012, 09:11:38 AM »
This bit of humor is a 'gotta read':

http://www.wired.com/underwire/2012/04/alt-text-apple-abuse/

It's a riot!

Good to be Here.

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #813 on: April 20, 2012, 02:46:21 PM »
An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective      
 
1.The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
 
2.The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
 
3.The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
 
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
 
5.The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
 
6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
 
7.The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
 
8.The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
 
9.The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10.The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
 
11.The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
 
12.The Key West Citizen is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

THE TROUBLE WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THAT THEY GET ELECTED.
Jon

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Offline george

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« Reply #814 on: April 21, 2012, 09:33:08 AM »
Advice from children.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
When your Mum is mad at your Dad  don't let her brush your hair.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
When your Dad is mad and asks you "do I look stupid" don't answer him.
Never tell your Mum that her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Felt tipped pens are not good as lipstick.
When you get a bad mark at school, show it to your Mum when she's on the phone
Never try to baptise a cat.

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #815 on: April 21, 2012, 10:12:29 AM »
George...The Voice of Experience! yes.gif salute.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #816 on: April 26, 2012, 10:05:57 AM »
I believe Richard sent me this link:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #817 on: April 27, 2012, 09:21:28 AM »
Do we need another thread? I'm not sure this is humorous or terribly tragic! eek2.gif
<I don't know what she said, but I'm sure she's right.>
I hope she said this guy should be fired!!!
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline gunug

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« Reply #818 on: May 08, 2012, 12:46:25 PM »
In case you've not seen it; a Dalek imitator on Britain's Got Talent:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=playe...p;v=hwlDik1ovuU

As with Dr. Who, it's in need of subtitles!
"If there really is no beer in heaven then maybe at least the
computers will work all of the time!"

Offline sandyman

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« Reply #819 on: May 10, 2012, 06:09:57 AM »
Larry May Become My New Favourite!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?”
“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What's the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Larry quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ...”

Sandy

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #820 on: May 31, 2012, 05:49:14 PM »
I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Avenue and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."

=-=-=-=


A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #821 on: May 31, 2012, 08:11:21 PM »
A man was hired to paint the church steeple. As he neared the end of the job, he realized that he would run out of paint before it was completed. Rather than buy another can of paint, he decided to stretch the remaining paint with paint thinner. Just as he was finishing, a rain cloud came out of nowhere and a torrential downpour washed off all the paint.

A big voice in the sky then said (brace yourself!), REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE.  getsick.gif
Jon

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Offline Jack W

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« Reply #822 on: June 13, 2012, 02:39:44 PM »
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills:

Tech support:     What kind of computer do you have?
Customer:           A white one...
Tech support:     Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:           Your left or my left?
****************************
Customer:           Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************
Tech support:     What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:           A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
****************************
Customer:           My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:     Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:           No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:     Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:          OK
Tech support:     Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:           Yes
Tech support:     That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************
Customer:           I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:     Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:           Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:     Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:           Five dots.
****************************
Tech support:     What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:           Netscape.
Tech support:     That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:           Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer...
****************************
Customer:           I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************
Tech support:     How may I help you?
Customer:           I'm writing my first email.
Tech support:     OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:           Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
****************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:     Are you running it under windows?
Customer:           'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************
Tech support:     'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:           I don't have a P.
Tech support:     On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:           What do you mean?
Tech support:     'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:           I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Good to be Here.

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #823 on: June 25, 2012, 10:01:58 AM »
Just read a short blurb on how to insert your "signature" into a PDF, mainly in Preview. Had to laugh at one of the comments. The article mentioned that it is often required that a mailed/FAXed copy be sent. The "solution" was to print out the 'edited' document for mailing/FAXing after the "signature" had been inserted. OK, but if you are going to print out the document and mail/FAX it, why bother inserting a "signature" in the first place? doh.gif Just sign the print outs! With a real signature! WOW! laughhard.gif   

Still not sure why an image of a signature is useful while being secure! Seems to be a great way to have one stolen/abused. "Would you like my bank account number, also?" "You're welcome." wallbash.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #824 on: July 11, 2012, 03:08:26 AM »
An actor was told by his agent that he couldn't find him any Shakespeare roles - but he had found the thespian a vacancy on a poetry-reading tour.

"Good grief" said the miserable actor. "My career's going from bard to verse."
Neil
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