Author Topic: We need some Humor!!! (Read 468117 times)

Texas Mac Man · « **Reply #825 on:** July 12, 2012, 09:41:50 PM »

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blond women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

(You'll love this....)

(I know you will...)

.

.

.

.

.

“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

Highmac · « **Reply #826 on:** July 20, 2012, 05:06:30 PM »

Kimmer's Kindle thread reminded me of a little joke my wife played on a colleague whose son was on his third Kindle. "He keeps breaking them," she said.

"He's not one of these people who licks their thumb to turn the page, is he?"

"No," said her colleague seriously.

Then the light dawned...

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #827 on:** July 20, 2012, 07:52:19 PM »

Maybe he was using a metal paper clip as a bookmark? Or worse, folding a corner of a page!!

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #828 on:** July 30, 2012, 10:21:17 PM »

Got this from a neighbor:

Subject: Fw: Two Women in a Bar

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember!

dolphin · « **Reply #829 on:** August 04, 2012, 08:51:15 AM »

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century", she said, "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad".

I tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it.

Texas Mac Man · « **Reply #830 on:** August 07, 2012, 03:11:56 PM »

60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No?

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?

"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't remember if I've seen this joke or not.

jchuzi · « **Reply #831 on:** September 21, 2012, 07:08:19 AM »

A lawyer has a very successful practice, but he works so hard that he has no free time. So, he decides to make a clone of himself and have the clone run the business while he relaxes.

The clone is a brilliant lawyer with a fatal flaw; he has a foul mouth. He swears at the judges, curses at the clients, and otherwise alienates everyone. The law practice falters and the lawyer decides to get rid of the clone.

He brings the clone to the top of a cliff, throws him over the edge, and the clone dies. The lawyer was arrested for (brace yourself!), MAKING AN OBSCENE CLONE FALL.

Highmac · « **Reply #832 on:** September 25, 2012, 01:57:28 AM »

London Tube staff get a laugh out of iOS6

dolphin · « **Reply #833 on:** September 27, 2012, 04:46:30 PM »

Try this (It came from Wales)

This is incredible.... YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS ....
See if you can do this accurately.

Read all the Numbers slowly and in Order

be careful not to MISS ANY

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30

Scroll down ...........................

It's so easy to amuse Seniors
TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's

jchuzi · « **Reply #834 on:** September 27, 2012, 04:58:00 PM »

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07... Foursomes are encouraged.

#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05... Three times a day is possible.

#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #835 on:** September 27, 2012, 06:30:22 PM »

QUOTE(dolphin @ Sep 27 2012, 04:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Try this (It came from Wales)

This is incredible.... YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS ....
See if you can do this accurately.

Read all the Numbers slowly and in Order

be careful not to MISS ANY

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30

Scroll down ...........................

It's so easy to amuse Seniors
TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have really made my day so much happier! I'm just not sure I will be able to make it through tomorrow with the anticipation of even a better day!

sandyman · « **Reply #836 on:** October 03, 2012, 05:31:40 AM »

QUOTE(jchuzi @ Sep 27 2012, 10:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...

.....

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Golf and Whisky......

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee nip of whisky on each hole, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.
'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?'

He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had another wee dram, and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad could’nae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Apologies for the Scottish dialect

Sandy

BTW this was sent to me by my 83 year old uncle

sandyman · « **Reply #837 on:** October 03, 2012, 10:15:48 AM »

I recently heard about this jazz musician who entered a monastery. A couple of years later he was convicted of burglary. Apparently he was

A Felonious Monk

Sandy

kimmer · « **Reply #838 on:** October 03, 2012, 12:40:50 PM »

Both funny, sandyman.

jchuzi · « **Reply #839 on:** October 12, 2012, 02:33:04 PM »

Two brooms, a girl broom and a boy broom, lived in a closet for many years. They fell in love and decided to marry. Thus, she became the bride broom and he became the groom broom.

After the wedding date was set, the bride broom told the groom broom that they would have to marry earlier because she was expecting a whisk broom. He replied (brace yourself!), "That's not possible. We haven't swept together."

News:

Author Topic: We need some Humor!!! (Read 468117 times)