We need some Humor!!!

[Texas Mac Man]

            A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he is not sure if sex is WORK or PLAY.
            So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

            After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search,
            I am positive that sex is WORK and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

            The man thinks, "What does a Priest know about sex? So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man,
            and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.
            Sex is WORK, and therefore not for the Sabbath.
            Not pleased with this reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of a thousand years of tradition and knowledge.

            In other words, he goes to see a Rabbi.

            The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely PLAY.

            Shocked, the man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure it is PLAY when so many others tell me sex is WORK?"



            The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were WORK, ...........my Wife would have the Maid do it.

[jchuzi]

In a small village in old Russia, there lived a Jewish man who had a cow and a bull. The cow died and he decided to travel to Minsk, a nearby town, to buy another. When he put the cow into the bull's enclosure, the bull eagerly pursued her but the cow ran away. Whenever the bull approached, she would back up against the fence, making herself unavailable.

In consternation, the man asked his wife what he should do. She replied, "See the rabbi. He's the smartest man in the village. He'll know."

Following her advice, he went to the rabbi and explained the problem. The rabbi thoughtfully stroked his beard and said, "The cow; she must be from Minsk." The man was delighted that the solution might be close at hand and said, "Yes rabbi, that's right! How did you know?" The rabbi looked wistful and said, "My wife is from Minsk."

[jchuzi]

A priest and a rabbi were friends for many years. One evening, they had few drinks together and the alcohol loosened their tongues.

The priest said, "Rabbi, we've been friends for a long time and I'm curious about something. Did you ever eat ham?"

The rabbi thought for a moment and said, "I must confess that, when I was a young man, I wanted to know what it was all about. I knew it was a sin, but I tried it anyway. But tell me, Father, did you ever have a woman?"

The priest blushed and said, "When I was a young man, I did. I knew that it was a sin, but my youthful lust got the better of me."

The rabbi gave a knowing look and said, "It sure beats ham, doesn't it?"

[dolphin]

This is a good laugh!! Funny but oh so true!
 
Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!

A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead... well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
 

[sandyman]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

Wait for it.......

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Another one from my 83 year old uncle.

Sandy

[sandyman]

No matter what your job, you should always try and make it interesting....

[attachment=2734:Make_it_...eresting.jpg]

Sandy

[jchuzi]

Sandy,

That's horrible, disgusting and offensive. I loved it.  

[Jack W]

I hope this isn't asainst the decency stadards of TS:

[attachment=2735:As_we_get_older.jpg]








Remember to wear a bicycle helmet!

Jack

[Xairbusdriver]

I'm not sure, I can't remember what those standards are...

If anything, I'd say they violate the "Beauty" standards for even the interwebs! There should be a warning label saying something like: "Viewer discretion has been violated if this image is seen!!!"

[jchuzi]

I remember working for a principal who was, shall we say, less than effective. Teachers would daily get very annoyed at his incompetence and bluster. One colleague made it all bearable, however. She said, "Whenever someone annoys you, try to imagine what he would look like naked." The resulting mental image was so funny that I forgot my irritation (at least momentarily).

[Xairbusdriver]

Principals are strange animals. One wonders if some of them are breeds unto their own. My wife once had one that was always climbing INTO her "sand box" when she wanted to speak to the masses. My wife wasn't sure if the lady actually meant that term since what she usually spouted was similar to what cats use sand for... Fortunately, that principal was promoted up the chain and no longer created problems for the school... the problems affected the entire school system!

[jchuzi]

A woman walked into her lawyer's office and requested that he start divorce proceedings for her. He, of course, had some questions:

(he) Do you have any grounds?
(she) Oh yes, about 3 acres.

(he) You misunderstand me. Let me rephrase the question. Do you have a grudge?
(she) Certainly. It holds both cars.

(he) No, no! Let me put this another way. Does he beat you up?
(she) That lazy bum? He doesn't get up until 10:00.

(he, exasperated) WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
(she) We just don't seem to be able to communicate.

[krissel]

A COWBOY'S TOMBSTONE:

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his
headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest .


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[Xairbusdriver]

"FIVE RULES FOR MEN"

As so often it is said, "Now you tell me!"

[jchuzi]

Definition of "mistress":  Something between a mister and a mattress.