Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468113 times)

Offline jchuzi

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We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #840 on: January 15, 2014, 07:25:24 PM »
A man dies and appears at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter welcomes him and asks if he wants anything. The man replies that he would like to ask God three questions. St. Peter says that this is a bit irregular but he'll see what he can do.

In time, God agrees to answer the man's questions.

Man: "Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God: "So that you would like them."

Man: "Why did you make women so cuddly?"
God: "So that you would like them."

Man: "Why did you make women so stupid?"
God: "So that they would like you."

For some reason, women seem to like this joke. It is a joke, isn't it?   wallbash.gif (My wife is still laughing.)
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #841 on: January 16, 2014, 10:54:31 AM »
Let's just hope she's laughing with and not at you... Should you dare ask stop.gif , you must then hope she doesn't say, "<Nothing>." eek2.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #842 on: January 20, 2014, 11:16:01 AM »

60th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow.
 
 
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class
Reunions in the past without fail.
 
 
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
 
 
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
 
 
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
 
 
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
 
 
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
 
 
"Yes,..... Yes I will!"

 
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
 
 
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
 
 
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening,
 But his mind was blank.
 
 
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked
Up the phone and called her.
 
 
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did
You say “No?”
 
 
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
 
 
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
 
 
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
Cheers, Tom

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #843 on: January 20, 2014, 11:24:51 AM »
I can certainly relate to that story, Tom.

It is said that, as you get older, three things deteriorate. The first is your memory. (I forgot the other two.)
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #844 on: January 20, 2014, 04:47:45 PM »
I can be very frustrating, of course. My F-i-L, has lost most of his recent memory capability. He can regale us all with stories from his youth and even his years as a POW in Manchuria. And then fact that he can remember humor in such a place as a POW camp is probably one of the reasons he is still very happy, even though he knows he can't remember if he took his meds before breakfast! I only hope I can retain my sense of humor when I turn 96 or whenever I start losing my memory! (No comments required about that date, BTW! stop.gif )
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #845 on: January 20, 2014, 07:20:45 PM »
Three elderly, hard-of-hearing ladies are traveling by train from London.  The train stops at a station and the first asks, "I say, is this Wembley?" The second replies, "No, it's Thursday." The third declares, "So am I. Let's go to a pub!"
Jon

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Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #846 on: January 20, 2014, 08:25:25 PM »
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Jan 20 2014, 01:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I can certainly relate to that story, Tom.

It is said that, as you get older, three things deteriorate. The first is your memory. (I forgot the other two.)


One thing that didn't deteriorate as I got older was my eyesight. In my 20s my vision was 20/200 and my driver's license was restricted with vision correction for 60+ years. I recently renewed my driver's license and passed the vision test without glasses or contacts. Now, no restriction.

I wish the other things (whatever they are) that usually deteriorate would improve the same way.
Cheers, Tom

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #847 on: January 21, 2014, 05:52:03 AM »
Speaking of vision, my wife tests at 20/400. When asked to read the eye chart, she has to be pointed to it before she can make a vain attempt. When I told a colleague that my wife has very poor vision, he mulled this over, looked appraisingly at me, and said, "That explains it."

I guess that's called leading with your chin. (Her vision is fine with corrective lenses.)
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #848 on: January 21, 2014, 03:21:58 PM »
QUOTE
(Her vision is fine with corrective lenses.)
Which are, obviously, newer than your marriage... rolleyes.gif tease.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #849 on: January 21, 2014, 06:54:39 PM »
*-- Romantic Text Message --*


An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon while shopping the wife decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Cheers, Tom

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #850 on: January 21, 2014, 07:20:14 PM »
On a similar theme, watch Paper Is Not Dead.
Jon

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Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #851 on: January 22, 2014, 05:30:03 PM »
Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.

It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.

Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store.

Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
 
 
A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........
Cheers, Tom

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #852 on: January 22, 2014, 07:06:20 PM »
Has Alan been released from the hospital yet?   whistling.gif
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #853 on: February 01, 2014, 05:36:43 AM »
The long-time "human cannonball" decided that he was going to retire from the circus. The circus manager was very upset because the fellow's act was very popular. He went to him and asked, "Where can I find another man of your caliber?"   rolleyes.gif
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #854 on: February 01, 2014, 08:54:49 AM »
I nominate a certain TS member in the State of New York! I'll even be happy to fire the first test shot! tease.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes: