Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468032 times)

Offline jchuzi

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We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1245 on: March 28, 2018, 06:54:36 PM »
A man took out a large life insurance policy on his wife with the intent of having her killed so he could collect the money. His neighbor happened to be the local godfather, so he went to him for advice. The don told him that the mob always employed Artie, who lived down the street, for this sort of work.

The man approached Artie, who was willing to do the job. But, when asked what his fee was, he replied that it was $10,000, payable up front. The man didn't have that much cash but offered to give Artie a down payment of whatever was in his wallet, with the remainder payable upon completion of the job. He opened his wallet but there was only $1 in it. Artie agreed with the stipulation that the outstanding balance be paid immediately after the deed was done. The man agreed, and told Artie that his wife shopped every day at Walmart.

The next day, Artie followed the wife into an aisle at Walmart, sneaked up behind her, put his hands around her neck, and strangled her. Unfortunately for Artie, someone else was in the aisle at the time, and, not wanting any witnesses, Artie ran over to him and strangled him also. Walmart's security cameras recorded all of this and the man was arrested.

Next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, "Artie chokes 2 for $1 at Walmart".
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1246 on: April 06, 2018, 02:01:55 PM »
This is not quite 'technical' enough for the 'other side' of this site, so...
At least no children were hurt in this 'technology demonstration'. rolleyes.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1247 on: April 08, 2018, 06:42:42 PM »
An operater manning the phone at 911 service receives an urgent call. The caller, very much in a panic, says, "My buddy and I are out in the woods hunting, and he collapsed. I don't think that he's breathing and I'm afraid that he's dead."

The operator says, "Calm down. Let's take this one step at a time. The first thing is to see if he's really dead." The fellow agrees. A moment later, the operator hears a gunshot. The man gets back on the phone and says, "OK. What do I do next?"
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1248 on: April 08, 2018, 07:59:44 PM »
wallbash.gif That one is older than the 911/999 services!
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1249 on: April 10, 2018, 01:04:15 PM »
Chap turns up at a fancy-dress party with a woman strapped to his back. The host asked what he had come as and the partygoer said: "I've come as a snail."

"So who's the woman on your back?"

"That's Michelle..."
Neil
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1250 on: April 10, 2018, 11:00:02 PM »
Who said the British don't have a sense of humour?! scram.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1251 on: April 11, 2018, 04:32:24 AM »
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Apr 11 2018, 05:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Who said the British don't have a sense of humour?! scram.gif


Not me smile.gif

We've given the world so many laughs over the centuries from William Shakespeare (though it takes some understanding) to Peter Sellers to Are You Being Served? (a tourbus driver in LA told us it was her favourite show of all time!) and Monty Python (who admitted in interviews that even they did not understand some of their jokes) and... the outstanding, seriously and highly intellectual quality of...












the Carry On films laugh.gif

However, it's probably fair to say that our respective senses of humour (thankyou!) do not always cross the Atlantic successfully.
« Last Edit: April 11, 2018, 06:02:57 AM by Highmac »
Neil
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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1252 on: April 11, 2018, 06:26:17 AM »
As to the French, I have never understood their veneration of Jerry Lewis. Maybe I'm missing something...
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1253 on: April 11, 2018, 07:31:54 AM »
Humor is in the eyes of the beholdour. rolleyes.gif I think some folks misunderstand "stiff upper lip" with lack of humour.

The longest laugh I've had in weeks was when I tripped over the cat and fell into the bathtub (both of us fully clothed, btw)... all the while thinking how I would keep from hitting my head! It seemed to take hours to finally end up staring at the ceiling! What else could I do but laugh with joy? Just wish I had filmed it... laughhard.gif

I sent a link to the Monty Python "Dead Parrot" video just last week! thumbup.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline krissel

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« Reply #1254 on: April 11, 2018, 11:59:04 PM »
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Apr 11 2018, 08:31 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The longest laugh I've had in weeks was when I tripped over the cat and fell into the bathtub


Which one of you has lost the most lives so far?  wink.gif


A Techsurvivors founder

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1255 on: April 12, 2018, 06:04:00 AM »
I laughed really hard about all of these posts. I haven't had so much fun since the pigs ate my baby sister.
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1256 on: April 12, 2018, 10:28:05 AM »
QUOTE
Which one of you has lost the most lives so far?
He has fewer left... wallbash.gif At least he didn't laugh at my predicament... I guess he remembered who feeds him... laughhard.gif

Speaking of amusing (if painful) predicaments...
I got a new chair mat to put under my lovely wife's desk chair. I decided I would roll up the old one since they are very hard to cut into smaller pieces to put in the garbage can. Naturally, one should roll it up with the sharp spikes on the inside...

I was on the garage floor starting the roll up process when the edge slipped out of my hand. The thing tried to hit me in the face but my super fast reactions prevented that. Unfortunately, my reaction skills did not prevent me from falling forward and placing both hands, palms down on the spikes, I even managed to get one knee onto them! The fun part was trying to figure out how to push myself up... without using my hands! The pain decreased the time I had to think about that.

Eventually, I made it inside and got a couple of bandaids on the biggest punctures... My wife didn't know what had happened, she was busy sitting on the nice new pad working on her Mac. She did ask me a while later if I had any idea where the drop of blood on the floor came from. rolleyes.gif

I hope, Jon, you don't get a hernia from laughing about my pain! tease.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1257 on: April 12, 2018, 02:07:05 PM »
You seem like the archetypal accident waiting to happen...  rolleyes.gif

It's just that you don't wait... laugh.gif
Neil
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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1258 on: April 14, 2018, 06:40:42 PM »
TEXT TO NEIGHBOR
"Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door.  I have a confession to make.  I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.  The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around.  In fact, probably more than you.  I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse.  The temptation was just too great.  I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again.  Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards,
Alan

NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed then grabbed his gun, ran next door and when Alan opened the door, he shot and killed him.  He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa.  Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.

SECOND MESSAGE
"Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.  Sorry about the typo in my last text.  I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”
Jon

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Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #1259 on: April 23, 2018, 07:31:40 PM »
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance . . . never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's bottom?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir .. . . but . . . but I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

* Don't be arrogant.

* Don't waste ammunition.

* Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.

* Always make sure you know who is in control.

* And finally, don't mess around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
Cheers, Tom

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