We need some Humor!!!

[jchuzi]

I don't need no stinkin' two weeks!

On a related note: Why is television called a medium? Because it's neither rare nor well done.

[Xairbusdriver]

"Medium" is also defined as a place/substance where things can grow: fungus, bacteria, spore, etc. Nasty stuff, that! Thus "television is a medium"...

[Xairbusdriver]

You want humor? We got humor! Finally, something useful for Twitter!

My Dearest Rose,

I'm afraid I must be the bearer of bad news. My flight has already been delayed a fortnight, and I fear it will be longer. The army has shut down the airport and the airplane will not be invented for 6 score and 7 years.

Apparently we took La Guardia Airport from the Brits in 1776 and have been trying to give it back for 243 years.

"One if by sea, Two if by land and Three if by AIR"

Martha,
Trying my damndest to make the 5:15 flight out of Philly, but the Valley Forge traffic is a nightmare.  Leave a lantern on for me...
Yours, George

Airport PA:
Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson
Please pick up the white courtesy horn.

[krissel]

 

My favorite:

“Listen, my children, and you shall hear, of the midnight flight delay of Paul Revere.”

[jchuzi]

For all you golfers:

“If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt." -Dean Martin
“I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators." -Gerald Ford
“I'll always remember the day I broke ninety." I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine." -Bruce Lansky
“I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced." -Lee Trevino
“I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.” -David Brenner
“Most people play a fair game of golf…if you watch them like a hawk.” -Joey Adams
“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun." – Jim Bishop
“The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.” -Mickey Mantle
“Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it." -Ted Ray
“Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss." -James Murray

[Xairbusdriver]

After 'researching' a problem with Wurd and then seeing Jon's post, I think the following 'sig' is appropriate:

I just had my patience tested.
I'm negative.

[jchuzi]

Testing the patience of urban dwellers:

Parking is such street sorrow.

[jchuzi]

And for Latin aficionados:

Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam.

[Xairbusdriver]

Post from Texas Mac Man:

Cletus is passing by Billy Ray Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left in a very tantalizing manner. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall slowly down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Ray Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Ray Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[jchuzi]

A man and his wife were talking, and she asked, "If something happened to me, would you remarry?"

He replied, "Yes, I probably would."

She: "Would you sleep in our bed?"

He: "Certainly."

She: "Would she wear my jewelry?"

He: "I don't see why not."

She: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

He: "No, she's left handed."

She: Silence

He: "Oops!"

[Xairbusdriver]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their beaks and vestigial wings, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

[jchuzi]

And you complain about my puns!   

[jchuzi]

As a disciple of Louis XIV, who loved word play and was known as the "Pun King", I must post the following:

Roy Rogers bought a new pair of cowboy boots and left them on the porch overnight. When he awoke the following morning, a mountain lion was busy eating them. He ran out on the porch but the lion escaped. Naturally, he was very angry and he told one of his ranch hands to catch it. An hour later, the ranch hand returned with the lion at the end of a rope, spitting and roaring. The ranch hand tapped Rogers on the shoulder and sang:

"Pardon me Roy,
Is this the cat who chewed your new shoes." 

[Xairbusdriver]

FAKE NEWS!!!!

Louis XIV never saw any Roy Rogers TV shows!!! Movies, maybe...
But the Andrews Sisters weren't even born until he was gone!!

[eric j]

Newfoundland, Canada declares war on the U.S.A!!!
President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."