Author Topic: We need some Humor!!! (Read 468102 times)

Texas Mac Man · « **Reply #885 on:** April 27, 2014, 01:50:58 PM »

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled of
beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes
arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's
caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said,
nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the
Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Highmac · « **Reply #886 on:** April 30, 2014, 01:55:42 PM »

What do you get if you cross an aphid with the Easter rabbit?

Bugs Bunny...

jchuzi · « **Reply #887 on:** April 30, 2014, 02:18:32 PM »

And what do you get if you cross a parrot with a lion? I don't know, but when it talks, YOU LISTEN.

A scientist crossed a crocodile and an abalone. He called it an abadile but skeptics called it a crocabalone.

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #888 on:** April 30, 2014, 02:38:41 PM »

What do you get when you cross Jon with a joke?

I don't know but I usually...

...and then I laugh!

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #889 on:** May 03, 2014, 05:25:27 PM »

Finally some useful University Research results!

ars technica article

Casey Johnston

I would probably end up like this guys fears:

QUOTE("theleeWise | Aged Ars Veteran")

I'm pretty sure this is what happens to me - I get paralyzed in a series of nested "if they do this, then I should do this, but if they know this, then they do this [etc]" recursions until I babble incoherently and end up throwing a losing hand more often than not.

jchuzi · « **Reply #890 on:** May 04, 2014, 06:53:56 PM »

Once upon a time, there lived a woodcutter named Benny. As he was chopping wood in the forest, he found a magic lamp. That night, he was polishing the lamp when a genie appeared.

The genie said, "Benny, you may have anything that you wish provided that you never shave again. If you do, you will turn into a giant urn."

Benny agreed and, as the years passed, he had every conceivable possession that anyone could desire. By that time, his beard reached to the floor. He decided that the genie was bluffing so he shaved the beard. Sure enough, he turned into a giant urn.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #891 on:** May 06, 2014, 03:44:46 PM »

Don't let any children read this! It will cause nightmares! Maybe even adults should not read this!!

For example, here's one of the scarier comments:

QUOTE

Most people don't even know what sysadmins do, but trust me, if they all took a lunch break at the same time they wouldn't make it to the deli before you ran out of bullets protecting your canned goods from roving bands of mutants.

Or this:

QUOTE

Not a single living person knows how everything in your five-year-old MacBook actually works. Why do we tell you to turn it off and on again? Because we don't have the slightest clue what's wrong with it, and it's really easy to induce coma in computers and have their built-in team of automatic doctors try to figure it out for us.

<Programming Sucks>

jwboyd · « **Reply #892 on:** May 08, 2014, 11:49:50 AM »

I got this just this morning from my brother Bill in Texas:

Two farm boys are talking with each other. One says, " Do you know where Moscow is?" Other says, "Yes, she's out in the pasture with Pa's cow."

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #893 on:** May 09, 2014, 09:14:22 AM »

This is one of the funniest SPAM messages I've ever got! Poor "Elena" should have stayed in Georgia?

Maybe she didn't attend school there, either?

Here are the funnier parts, thanks to Grammar!

QUOTE

Honey, I was forced to write to you on humanitarian ground.

First, I just melt when a stranger calls me "Honey"!

Even more when they are standing on "humanitarian" ground.

QUOTE

my husband died after a heart operation highways

I already know hospitals are dangerous places, apparently, highways are even worse!

QUOTE

Before my husband died last year There is this $ 8.5 million U.S. dollars Uniform State, which he deposited in a local bank here in Lome-Togo.

A wise man, indeed! the description of the amount and the nationality of the money reminds me of the OS X naming "convention": "Oh Es Ten Ten dot ten"...

QUOTE

Knowing my condition [she has liver cancer and had a 'stroke'] I decided to donate this fund to no good God fearing brother or sister

Funny how a little single letter word ("a") can drastically change the meaning of a sentence when it is converted to a two letter word ("no")!

QUOTE

God bless you as you ad a voice of reasoning

Spell chequers don't help when you use real words that sound like the one you really needed... There are more examples but they are all so blatant it gets less and less humorous... I can imagine a room with dozens of people sitting at 20 year old hardware busily copying parts of sentences off a huge blackboard... Who knows, these things may even be part of an English language class in some actual school?! Too bad they don't have a literate teacher.

The only good news about this SPAM is that it got labeled as such by Hostgator: "Subject: [SPAM] Hello Dear". Still have to manually train SpamSieve to recognize it...

jwboyd · « **Reply #894 on:** May 09, 2014, 02:09:05 PM »

Lome-Togo isn't the only place where illiteracy rears its ugly head.

Our church has hired a new office secretary (oops! "administrative assistant"). The first email she sent out to the entire mailing list contained this sentence: "Please bare with me while I am getting to know you better."

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #895 on:** May 09, 2014, 05:09:59 PM »

The weekly bulletin writer is our Pastor's secretary. A couple of weeks ago I asked the Pastor if his sermon scripture was in First or Second Colossians, I try to give him a smile every Sunday. He said I should read all of Second Colossians and tell him my favorite verse that evening.

That night I looked at the bulletin section that had the scripture listing for both services. To my mazement, the evening scripture was listed as "Corinthians..." No I or II! Just "Corinthians"! I thought I was joking that morning! All he could do was roll his eyes when I showed him the bulletin.

jchuzi · « **Reply #896 on:** May 10, 2014, 07:38:38 PM »

When the Shah was in power in Iran, he had a son (the Shan) who suffered from epilepsy. The Shah, naturally, was worried that the Shan would injure himself if he had a seizure so he hired a bodyguard to protect the Shan night and day.

Months went by and nothing untoward happened. Reasoning that he was entitled to a break, the guard slipped out for coffee. When he returned, the Shan was writhing on the ground and the place was in pandemonium. He asked a passerby what had happened, and the passerby replied, "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"

jchuzi · « **Reply #897 on:** May 12, 2014, 07:09:32 PM »

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to SundaySchool' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

Xairbusdriver · « **Reply #898 on:** May 13, 2014, 08:26:31 AM »

"Churches would be perfect if it weren't for the people there."

Unfortunately, I'm one of those imperfect "people".

I have heard/read the one line sermon/lesson, more than once, that asks, "If you were on trial for being a Christian, would you be convicted?"

Then, there's the slightly less known, "You can't tell a book by it's bumper stickers."

jchuzi · « **Reply #899 on:** May 13, 2014, 01:16:54 PM »

And for the truly cynical (including your truly), Christianity is a wonderful religion. It's too bad that it's never been tried.

News:

Author Topic: We need some Humor!!! (Read 468102 times)